A.J.Anto's Mind Space

Anto Rocked!

2011-11-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

It is good to be back here.
Finally the notion of writing a blog named "antorocks" seemed so absurdly self-congratulatory. I have been wanting to right it for sometime but i could'nt. I guess now, it will be much easier. This will be my last post in this blog. This blog has chronicled my every step with Isha. Along the way i had met a lot of friends through this blog who continue to support me in so many ways. And for that: Thanks!
I always thought I wanted to create some poignant literature. Something which is a little bigger than myself. Call me an immodest prick if you want to, but right now the experience of my life is poignant enough. This is the end of this blog. However I hope i continue to take those small steps in the 'face of all that life throws at me'.
Anto Rocked. Anto is dead. Long live Anto.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. - Steve Jobs ended his Commencement address at Stanford on 2005 thus.

She...

2011-01-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

Parched and dry I was, Devoid of abandon,
Graced my life she did, with precision and passion wanton,
Love at first sight it was not,
Devious was the plot,
The seduction slow.

A whiff of her is all that it takes
for me to lose myself in placid lakes.
When I touch her, everything in me dies
Yet, I never felt more alive.
Am I courting the elixir or the poison??
Or am i just naive?
to play with my life without a sigh...

A play it is, a twilight game.
She the hound, me the hare.
Mind you, no blood sport this.
"Just Life longing for itself"
Try as I might to run away,
I rather be the meat on the Hunter's plate.

She is there in my every breath,
well sometimes I do lose her scent,
and then I remember her.
Unjudging she is, unrepentant i am.
Poets may describe her fragrance primrose or ivy.
My Beloved One simply calls her Shambhavi..

Christmas Blues

2010-12-24T05:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas Blues

"The Jingle bells are jingling The streets are white with snow
The happy crowds are mingling But there's no one that I know

I'm sure that you'll forgive me If I don't enthuze
I guess I've got the Christmas blues

I've done my window shopping There's not a store I've missed
But what's the use of stopping when there's no one on your list

You know the way I'm feeling when you love and you lose
I guess I got the Christmas Blues.

When somebody wants you When somebody needs you
Christmas is a joy of joys
But oh when you're lonely You'll find that its only
A thing for little girls, and boys

May all your days be merry Your season full of cheer
But til its January I'll just go and disappear

Santa might have brought you some stars for your shoes
But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packages tinselled covered
Christmas blues"

Till now my blog has always been a place where I could express my most exuberant experiences...But this particular post will be a first of its kind. Sadhguru's program in Delhi was an amazing blowout. Being with the volunteers and throwing myself into the activity with such blatant abandon was so great! I am so longing to start taking Inner Engineering classes again. I miss the silence which comes with standing on my tired legs for 9 hours a day. But this post is not about that. This post is because suddenly i feel a need to express my sense of sadness. There could a variety of reasons to which i can attribute my sadness. Christmas is always a tough time for me after relocating to the ashram. I hate to admit it but I love Christmas time. My childhood memories are full of Christmas carols visiting our houses, Christmas trees, the sudden crispness in the Chennai air, being in close contact with family even if i am constantly bickering about how boring the sermon was. So like a sudden bolt of the blue sky, pangs of melancholy hit me. I am somewhere so far away from home..(well what is home you might ask...??)I have barely talked to my parents and each of my conversations have always ended with me disconnecting the call in mid-sentence. So today after so much cajoling, i finally called my family to wish them Merry Christmas and after the usual torrent of pleas/threats etc, finally I told my mother that i am tired of having a relationship over phone. Either they accept me for who i am or just stop calling me. I told them that the biggest disgrace to a human being is having people constantly telling him that he/she might have done something totally wrong. My mother said of course i accept you and then she started crying. I asked her if you accept me why are you crying. She said and i quote: "Can't a mother cry to her son". Such cliched one-liners straight from tamil family-drama movies would not have got me. But with the electricity in the air, me being alone in a new city and of course my struggle to grow, suddenly i too started crying. This vulnerability shocked me. But it is a remainder of just how many things within me are beyond me...
Anyways thanks for reading. That's exactly what i needed a shoulder to lean on and time to move on...

No ordinary bootcamp this!

2010-06-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

What I feel within myself right now is a tug-of-war between gratitude, nervousness and resolve.
When I was much younger, while I was discovering the Gospel, sometimes I remember feeling forlorn. The Christ, the way I saw him through the gospel seemed to connect with me somehow. This is in spite of the fact that I had always felt going to Church to be a nauseating and stifling experience. I could not attribute all the nonsense that was happening around me in the name of Christianity to this one elusive being who resided only within myself. Whenever somebody asked a question to Jesus in the gospel, I remember feeling so exhilarated after reading Christ's answer. How much I had wished that Christ was there for me to answer the nagging questions that I had as a disquieted teenager.
Eureka! That's how I felt after I did the Isha yoga program. I was really wowed that even now it is possible to wow'ed after all. And it piqued my complacency that such wisdom could be alive even while we exist now. This one year that I spent in teacher's training in the Isha yoga center, I had always felt cloaked by Him. It was not easy all the time. It was heartless at times. Sometimes I just wanted to bolt back to Seattle just so that I could eat that fabled pasta and bread from Maggiano's. And so it has come a full circle. For me this is what is really overwhelming: something that is so valuable, so potent has been given to my hands. That's how I felt when I received the shawl. It was my dream that I should spend the days of my life being in touch with that which I hold as the highest. In some ways I feel this is like driving on a one-way street. I had exited that highway that leads to nowhere. No Thanks, I rather be parked in a dead-end rather than stepping on the gas just once more.
I will stop my ramble here, I just felt i should document this step that I am taking. I can't believe it all started with this!
P.S: My teachers training is over (but never really over...). I received the shawl this week. I will be starting to take the classes quite soon.
P.S1: While I am shaking with anxiety by the sheer enormity of it all, I remember Neo reckoning "There is no spoon!"

New Kid on the block!

2010-06-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

I did it! One year in the ashram...Don't know why this sounds like bragging..but i don't care. I am very happy that I made this happen for myself. In addition to this chronological milestone, there is another one coming along. And I am just not ready to consider that it just might come to pass..More about that in another post..
For now let me say "THANK YOU" to everyone...
Thanking these people IS obnoxious but still...
1) Thanks Lokanetra anna for the Isha Yoga program that you conducted for us some 6 years back. That class shook not just my life but also lives around me. What started as a spiritual experiment for two clueless buggers slowly started spreading like wild fire for all our friends.
2) Thanks to all my friends with whom i share this journey. The original members of the now defunct 'Madhapur-Kondapur' Hyderabad gang, Rams, Vimal, Arun, Sw. Taporati, JP, Bala, Karthik, Sharma, Naresh, Raghu, Cheziyen, etc etc..And also the gang at Seattle..What an exhilarating experience! This made-to-order sangha at home..Some of them did not my share this new-found zest but still offered me so much support.
3) Thanks Namath for everything that happened in the US for the two years I stayed there... Being with her challenged me to see myself in her shoes...I don't know whether I would be here if not for her.
4) The folks in the vault office who had to put up with so many calls which came to the ashram after i landed here.
5) Thanks to Sw. Vibodha who heads the kitchen team here for providing such wholesome food for this whole year. It is amazing to hear him address everyone irrespective of their ages as 'kannu'. That means apple-of-the-eye, usually reserved for calling small children in Tamil.
6) Thanks to everyone at the teachers training for baby-sitting me all this while.
7) And finally thanks to all those people who contributed to my cause. Thanks a ton. 439$ was raised via facebook. Another 20K INR donated via ishavidhya.org
This list is not complete and can never be completed...I have to stop now. I have to shutdown the machine because Swami Rithambara is going to kick me out if I don't! :D

My Guru Rocks!

2010-05-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/ishafoundation

My Birthday Wish

2010-05-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year since i have been living in the ashram. As the previous 're-post' says, deciding to move to the Isha Yoga Center has been one of my proudest decisions ever. Looking back however this decision seems to be quite rudimentary. In fact for anyone who has tasted this, I presume it must be. This impending anniversary of my stay in the ashram has made me look within and see whether I have been sincere about my goals and the direction in which I am leading my life. As much as the last year has been incredible (a more detailed post will follow), I feel sometimes I had been taking this ashram life for granted. On some rare occasions, to my horror, I have noticed my seeking and my sadhana were more feverish when I was hopelessly coding away in Microsoft. How easy it is to settle down..i have noticed. When I was in Seattle, one of the things that really drove me nuts was the possibility that one day when Sadhguru decides to leave us physically, that day i don't want my futile tears to be the only recourse. I feel if I don't make use of what he is offering when he is here and to shed a tear when he is gone, then that tear is a lie..A Bloddy lie. And i don't want to lie that lie. As I continue to soak in the overwhelming energy of this space, the possibility of what He is offering seems more and more real.And I hope i am conscious every day of why I am here and doing the things that i am doing.
The fact that i had to pay a high price for my decision in terms of family and social alienation is a boon as well. Every time i feel the pain that i am causing to people around me who are 'affected' by my decision, I get an opportunity to see if I am making use of that one decision that i took. And almost masochistically that simple introspection works. I wish I could write I have found what i have been looking for. But i cannot.
But what i can claim is the following:
1) I can most definitely state is that this last year has been very fruitful to me personally and also to people around me.
2) I cannot claim to the ultimate but i can claim that it is in the cusp of the ultimate that i have been basking.
3) I feel really blessed that I had the opportunity to be here in the presence of the master. Been able to live in a sangha and a lifestyle where everything has been looked at in such mind-numbing detail by Sadhguru himself.
4) Overall, I can also claim that I am doing the best thing that i think is needed for the world. What I have experienced as the ultimate is what i am dishing out everyday to the people whom i come in contact with. (That's why teachers training is such awesomeness!)

So that's about it! I have wanted to share this for so long..Am glad that it is finally out...
And before i leave, I have one request to all my friends and all my readers. My birthday is coming up in almost a month. In the years before i have relocated, i had the luck to be with people who thought I am as much as their own family and we had such great birthday parties. Personally birthdays don't mean anything to me but if it is about people acknowledging their friends and having fun, then i am in! This birthday I want to give the gift of education to someone. Why I am bringing this thing up in a supposedly introspective post? I feel this is directly related to whatever I have been saying. If there is a reason why I could dare to quit my job and be here, it is because i never had to worry about money. Somehow I had caught the bus to economic security. I know I would not be like this if i had to worry about my next meal. As Sadhguru mentioned sometime, it is indeed vulgar to talk about spirituality when there is a hungry mouth around.
And there are a lot of hungry mouths around where i am right now. I had the opportunity to visit the local Isha Vidhya school here in Sandhegoundampalayam more than once. I am touched by the work done by the volunteers there. Started as an educational initiative of Isha Foundation, Isha Vidhya aims to provide the children of economically disadvantaged families a fair chance in the global arena. The model is to set up schools in the each taluk which will serve the local rural children. Scholarships are provided by a network of Isha meditators around the world to the academically proficient children. I visited the schools here and it is quite overwhelming. The pedagogy is uniquely designed to impart English and computer skills to the children. I talked with some of the children and mind you almost all the children are from really rural background and it is amazing to watch the 8 and 9 year olds speak impeccable english and flaunt their computer skills...Perhaps the most beautiful aspect of this project is that it is set up as a way for people to express their inclusiveness. All the volunteers in the Isha Vidhya are people who have been touched by Sadhguru's message and as an expression of their spirituality, they are doing what they are doing. Case in point? The project leader of Isha Vidhya itself. Venkat was the archetypical fortune 500 consultant in the US who relocated back to India to volunteer full-time. It is amazing to watch him explain how he had to get the first students of the first Isha Vidhya school to go home after their first day at school. Watching these people work, I have no mixed feelings about what i want this birthday. I want to sponsor a child's education for one year.

What this entails? 250$ or Rs.10,000.

To Learn more about Isha Vidhya: http://www.ishavidhya.org

Watch the videos here.
To Donate: I have created a facebook cause. You can donate with your credit card there or you can directly donate at the Isha Vidhya site. Both sites are safe for your credit card.

REPOST: This American Life

2010-04-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2009

This American Life

It is not always that i am proud to be under my skin. Right now, as my life unwraps, I feel like i am living my dream. It is a dream that i had nourished in my heart for so long. And now it has finally come to a pass. I will be leaving the US in a few hours and will be returning back to India where i plan to volunteer full-time for Isha Foundation.

When i came to the US almost two years ago, a part of me acknowledged the limitations within which i choose to confine myself. i.e. Continuing a career which really did not make much sense to me. Nevertheless, when i landed here in Seattle, it was my dream that Isha should blossom in this corner of America. I could still remember when my flight from Chennai landed in Seattle, i was having a vision of Sadhguru conducting a class in a packed Safeco field. Visualizing the hard-ball players of Microsoft getting floored by the Class. It is ironically humbling to see almost all of this materialize. Looking at all that has happened in these last 2 years, strangely i feel empty. Definitely it was a very worthwhile experience being a part of something so big here, but my eyes are always looking ahead. In one of the several farewell gatherings that was organized, i admitted that i am indeed very lucky to have found something that just makes so much sense that i am willing to let it take over my life.

So there came a point when i had accomplished my financial goals and there seemed to be no more reason to continue to work 8 hours a day in something that really didn't mean the darnest thing to me. One-by-one things around me fell into thier places in the most miraculous way. I wrote a letter to Sadhguru. Later, when i met him when he came to Seattle, he asked me to come.

So thats how i woke from my American dream. And boy, did i love this American life. It was splendid. The moutains, the glaciers, the rivers, the streams, the flowers, the fall foliage, the volcanos, the work ethic, the roads, my car, my JBL speakers in my car. Yes I will miss them. I will miss doing a thigh burning 8-mile jaunt to the Granite moutain lookout with Raghu and Pala. I will miss cruising around in my car with heart pounding music thumping the glass windows of my car. I will miss the brooding Seattle winter.I will miss the exuberant Spring with all its flowery explosions. I will miss all this. It is so strange how quickly a place can become a part of yourself. As i watch the town of Redmond go by while returning from the last of the dinners tonight, i realized that i might not see this parallel universe again. This clean, tidy, predictable, comforting macrocosm. As i get seduced by these emotions, there is a ruthless part of me which makes me see the fallacy in these notions. Not just a fallacy but a obscenity in all this drama. Maybe i am too sure of myself. That explains why i had given a free rein to myself as i stampede on these emotions and memories.

(I have to make an apology to anyone who felt being stepped over by this stampede. My intention is not to trample upon anyone. Just myself for now)

And to my family:

Don't believe for a single instant that i am unaware of the pain that i am causing you. I realize that i have been an utter disappointment and an shameful embarrasment as a son and as a brother. By now you know my intentions and we mutuallly see the futility in coming to a closure about my decision. All i can say is i hope that someday you understand me and the circumstances that lead to my decision. And i am arrogant and stubborn enough to hope that one day you will taste the possiblity that i have tasted. People have been asking very pointed questions on why i am abandoning you to pursue my own dreams. The only thing i can say about that is i know the only way i will be settled is if i do what i care about. If i end up doing anything else, i have no doubts that i will be a failure to myself. And that to me is enough reason to do what i want to do. I acknowledge that your sadness and your anger at my decision comes from a certain sense of belonging to me and i respect that. And in that sense, i implore you to please let me do what i want to do.

About my future, i have no idea how things will turn out. In fact i don't even know how long i can last in the ashram. The way i look at is: "An experiment with Truth". The question is how long can i survive the truth bugger.

POSTED BY A.J.ANTO AT 3:53 AM

LABELS: ISHA FOUNDATION

7 COMMENTS:

Anbu said...: Humbling to read! Wish u all the strength u need for the experiential experiment.; 6:53 AM
Deepak said...: All the very best Anto!! This was always coming for you wasn't it? The only question was WHEN - and here it is now! Well, if there is any dream that is worth pursuing, it is the dream of ending all dreams - and very few people have the courage to do it. I will look back at you and folks like you as inspiration when I come to the cross roads (end of the road?) And yes, for your sake, I hope your parents at least come to peace with your decision if not what you're hoping for.; 8:20 AM
Priyanka said...: Hope it works out for you... my best wishes!; 12:36 AM
Espan said...: For whatever reason I feel incredibly angry on u... I have known for sometime now this kinda decision comes outta an experience that I haven't undergone. Yet, I couldn't suppress the feeling that you are a shade too selfish when you make this decision. End of the day it is ur life but it amazes me that u have the nerve to ask ur family to accept this. It might be in their karma to undergo this but I just don't believe even for one moment that they will be happy with what u r doing:) Anyways... as your friend.. I am obliged to wish you best in whatever path u choose. Hope to meet u sometime :)!; 7:55 AM
Anupama said...: Anto, wish you a very Happy Life at IYC. :-) Truly humbling to read this.; 5:45 AM
Prasanna said...: Anto, What a superb decision! I am proud to have known you :) All the very best!; 10:35 AM
Aditya Nishtala said...: It is so wonderful to hear this from you...and it makes it even more special because I knew you from day 1 in the first Isha Yoga Program which we did it together(What a porgram that was!!!)....from then on we did all the programs at the same time.... I know that whoever is touched by his grace wud anyway go to him...and I am happy that it is u r time against all the loving attention and concern of your parents not knowing that one day even they would be touched by him. Cheers Aditya Nishtala.; 12:25 AM

Namesake, Kolkota and hot roshogollas

2009-12-14T05:19:00.001-08:00

I had been fascinated with Jhumpa Lahiri’s ‘Namesake’ for a while now and the fact that it was set in kolkota fascinated me even more. In what can only be termed as a strike of poetic justice, I was stuck in kolkota without any outbound tickets for 3 days with just one sathsang on my TODO roster. And that too, I was ‘stuck’ in a room which was pilled from the roof to the floor by the books belonging to the host collected over a period of 15+ years. I hadn’t got a chance to read a book for the last 6 months which is a very long time for me. I had also somehow managed to restrain myself from buying a paperback on those endless sojourns to the railway stations. As it turned out, I allowed myself to get lost for one more time into the papery world of words and phrases.
I thought ‘Namesake’ was extremely genuine, heartbreaking and thoroughly haunting. The novel starts with a young Bengali couple: Ashima and Ashoke moving to New England from Kolkota and starting a new life. The main focus however quickly turns out to be the psychological travails of their son Gogol. Those who have lived the fascinating life of inhabiting two worlds at the same time will relate to this movie. As I did.
Gogol Ganguli emerges as the centerpiece of the novel and its protagonist. Though in characterizing him, Jhumpa threads a potentially hackneyed theme, she paints a character so true and so genuine that I could vouch for the fact that I had known many Gogol’s myself. Ashima reckons that when she listens to her children with her eyes closed, sometimes she feels that she has given birth to strangers. Gogol grows to be an all-american youngster but is dragged east-bound by his parents who inhabit a different world altogether. His struggle is a stunning remainder that one’s cultural and other identities though a huge part of the experience that is life is nevertheless unfailing picked up from the outside. And that no matter how big an emotion these confusions and these yearning provokes, these identities are like chalk drawings on a blackboard which will be eventually wiped off the board leaving only a slight discoloration on the blackboard.
Perhaps what touches me the most is the heartbreaking predicament of Ashima as she pines for the brazen and perhaps what could be considered in the west as an almost uncouth closeness with her family. Being brought up in a world where there is no dearth of human contact, she ends up in the frozen North eastern corner of the US with a husband busy with his academics and with her children trying to organically confound the conundrum that is their life. Her loneliness and her parental yearning haunts every page of the book. I also suspect that there is a part of me which aches for my own mother as much as my heart aches for Ashima as I was reading the book.
These days, as I am endlessly traversing the lengths and breadths of the country, has been quite a revelation. One thing that amazes me is even after all the things that have transpired between me and my parents and even though my days are filled with tireless exhaustion unapologetically doing what I do, there is a corner within me which aches as I see my family writhe and wither in unnecessary pain, anguish, anger, heartache and humiliation. I am amazed that still I am hopeful, after all that they had done, that one day they will see Isha yoga for what it is independent of what it has done to their son. Is this my conscious responsibility or a manifestation of my own need for intimacy, I don’t know.
One of the more poignant moments of the novel is when Ashima decides to go back to Kolkota after the death of her husband. As they are packing and cleaning out their suburban house, she feels strangely lost. After decades of living in the US, she has the sadness of leaving something that is a part of one’s life. Also amazingly, she feels a little alien to her hometown Kolkota where she did all her growing up.
Overall Namesake succeeds as an authentic portrayal of a tiny Bengali-expatriate microcosm in the US. Their nostalgia, their thrills, their fascination and their heartbreak fills endearingly the pages of the book.
P.S: Just for the record, I had clocked 8500 kms in the last 2 months and this post was blogged from Chennai Central just before i catch my next train.

For the Love of Wilderness

2009-11-03T03:43:00.000-08:00

On Sun, Oct 18, 2009 at 9:29 AM, Raghuram KR wrote:

Hey Andhonee,
Just felt like sending you a mail today... Its been raining here crazily for last few 2-3 weeks now.. Have not been hiking during the rains this time.. but when you were here, i remember the enthu we had to go even in the rains :)
Thats when i thought i will just send you a mail.. Happy Deepavali to you :)
And tomorrow i am just going out on a hike probably alone to a far off place [mostly Ingalls Lake] inspite of the rain :) I will send you some pics when i come back....
Enjoy and take care.,,
-Raghu

An Open response to Raghu

Dei Raghu,

How are you da machi? I remember going to Ingall’s lake myself. I thought you also came for that hike along with pala. I posed for some of the most ‘mokkai aana’ pictures there. That time around it was frickin cold up there and the path was quite treacherous. Let me know how the hike was this time. I did see your pictures. They were quite similar to how I remember them.

About the enthusiasm with which we would go to the mountains even in the rainy days, there are a lot of things unsaid which I thought I would share with you. (you being one of our own gang of mountain men). I know you don't care about big talk and big experiences but i thought i would share anyways!

x---------------------------------x

Hiking started very naturally for me. The first time I went to the US, it was in the middle of the hiking season. The sun was out for all the 4 weekends I was there and I think I probably made it to the hills on all the weekends. I don’t know whether I consciously decided to go hiking but I do remember relishing those experiences when I got back to India. So the next time I went to the US for a longer trip, somewhere I knew I would be paying my visits to the towering sentinels of the Pacific North West. Looking back it has been an essential part of my experience in the US. Almost as essential as Isha. I have a feeling maybe they were related…I don’t know.

I have been to so many hikes those two years. Even if the weather was playing spoilsport, I would be the one nudging my roomies to come. I remember doing some of the hikes in pouring rain. Sometimes, we would decide to go on a day-hike as late as 2 PM in the afternoon.

Looking back, all these hikes clearly fell into a pattern. In the first stage is an almost irrepressible need or desire to head for the hills. Not because you wanted to conquer the mountains but because somewhere in my experience I felt hiking to be a very intense experience. And this intensity was something that I was consciously seeking. Sometimes, I realized it was almost masochistic to put yourself to this meaningless ordeal of climbing up a mountain and climbing it down the same way. I distinctly remember some of these hikes were physically overwhelming. In some weird way, I used to enjoy being defeated by the mountain and the gravity. Every time, I come to a point where I reach the end of my physical capabilities, I taunt myself saying just this one next step and that’s it. And it has always been that one next step that takes you till the summit.

Secondly, in some ways, being in the woods puts things in perspective. The forest never acknowledges your presence. It does not care for what you think. It does not care about that problem that you are brooding about. Its ways and the ways of physics are very raw and unforgiving. I found that subjecting myself to such rawness straightens me. Whatever mental nonsense that I seem to be carrying seems to vanish by the time I reach the top. Because of this, over a period of time, it was an avenue to forget myself. Forget my life, my struggles, my cravings, my limitations, my struggle to grow etc. Being in the mountains, somehow these doesn’t seem to matter and when I come back from the mountains, that little space is created between me and what I deal with. That little space was liberating. Somewhere in the seemingly endless hues of green, I lose myself. If for only a moment, what a leap that loss is!

Finally there is one aspect of hiking which even if I think about gives me goose bumps. Initially when I headed for the hills, it was usually to watch and enjoy nature’s splendor. On an average Saturday morning, just to think about that lake or the pass or that valley was enough for me to spring out of my bed. There have been many occasions where I found myself getting up relatively earlier on weekends than on weekdays. Initially I savored the scenery. But over a period of time as the intensity between the beholder and the beloved deepened, it was more of a pain than anything else. There have been times when I have been on some of the trails, I was just so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because on one level I was truly delighted and exhilarated to see the creation but on another level as much as I long for it, the distance between it and I was very distinct. After moving to the ashram, looking back at my experiences, I feel somewhere I had bowed down. What I bowed down to was immaterial but what matters was somehow I bowed down. Looking at the snow sprinkled Mt.Stuart across the Ingall’s lake or the endless meadows at Mt.Rainier, my being bent. I distinctly remember climbing the Carne mountain during late fall last year. The air was crisp and cool and the valley was drenched in fall colors. The hike was long and arduous and at the peak there was a 360 degree vista of craggy ridges and valleys and salt-and-pepper summits towering over the clouds. I had a tough time bottling my overwhelm to myself. This overpowering feeling boggled me initially. I had always thought that ‘a thing of beauty is a joy forever’. Why then, does beauty evoke such pain? But if I look at it now, it does make a lot of sense. Over a period of time, as the intensity of the rapture increases, it only leaves the subject longing for oneness with the object. And where the oneness isn’t there, pain is.

I have always been a veritable nature lover. When I first landed in seattle, I had thought this was my dream city to live. In whatever little ways that I could imagine, Seattle seemed to fit my bill. Perpetually raining, a long brooding winter, an hour drive away from alpine paradises, endless greenery, occasional snows etc. During my last days in Seattle, there have been moments when there was a part of me arguing against my move to the ashram. I had sometimes told myself that even if I cannot enjoy my work at Microsoft, still I can bear it by looking forward to hitting the hills on the weekends. But over a period of time, the hiking experience itself was a remainder of my isolated existence. And those remainders definitely contributed to the helplessness and the vulnerability within me which eventually made me take the step that I took.

Even now, an occasional thing of beauty sweeps me off my feet and I seem to remember why I am in the ashram.

P.S: Just realized that I didn’t record my experiences of the Dhyanayatra in 2007. My memory (and unfortunately only that) tells me that it was a similar experience in some ways.

P.S2: All the photos are courtesy wta.org and are places where we have been to. Top to bottom are Ingall's lake, Squak mountains and Bandera mountain.

The Lost Cause

2009-09-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

Anto is a lost cause
This is what i seem to be telling my parents...
And more often than that, i find myself saying this to me as well.
.......
P.G. Wodehouse rocks. Got initiated into it while i was convalescing from a bout of viral fever in the ashram.

The Hunter and the hunted

2009-08-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2.5 months since i have moved to the ashram. And it has been all kinds of things. I have been doing a lot of random things lately. Like for instance the day before yesterday i was assigned the job of ushering the people from the village for whom the ashram is thrown open every Sunday. I watched in bemused wonderment as they all sat for a session on Project Green Hands. It was a pretty simple session where about a few hundred ppl sat under the big tree right next to the triangular block. But what amazed me was how the presenter conveyed the sense of urgency with such ease and humility. At one instance, he asked about what are all the problems they were facing in the villages. People said lack of rains, soil erosion etc etc. Then he asked them who is creating all this problems? They all magnanimously agreed that it was them in fact who is responsible. Just when you thought the presenter will applaud them for their sincerity, he said (shall i add in true Isha Style) "Aren't you ashamed?". At the end of the session, we distributed tree saplings to everyone who had come so that they can plant them at thier villages. Initially i was mighty perturbed that my uber-cool tamil will make it difficult for me to do this work but then once i got my hands dirty, there was no stopping me!
To be utterly frank, the move to the ashram has been quite difficulty as expected.
But when i fall dead on my bed in the night, i don't have an iota of doubt about rather doing something else. Blissful or tortured, that conviction is there always and that's what makes me get up the next day in the morning.
Couple of the photo-worthy moments every day:
1) Lying down in Shavasana after doing 25 surya namaskars just before Guru Pooja.
2) After the practices, taking the plunge into the icy Theertakund invoking the hunter to hunt me down.
3) Sitting at the temple after all the practices for that blissfull 25 minutes.
4) Serving food to all the ashramites at the Biksa Hall during the brunch. (And watching the Swami's and the Maa's eating the food)
5) Censored for the uninitiated!
Finally) Nodding "Wassup?" to Dharani, Vijay and a bemused Swami Trika at the water cooler just before we fall dead on the bed. :D

P.S: When someone asks about how things were in the US/seattle, i usually say we do this and we do that as if i am still there. Just now Ananda Ala has culuminated in Hyderabad and i just feel i am all over the place!

P.S1: A big shout-out to all in Seattle! I love you.

The valley of the shadow of Death

2009-06-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

After the anticipated (and maybe some unanticipated) fireworks, I have moved at the Isha yoga center. All i wish to share about the last few weeks is that it had made me cry for help. Made me go on my knees and beg for redemption. I had not prayed for anything since college. So this was a new thing for me. Strangely the psalmist of the Psalm 23 shares my predicament.
A Psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd,I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I fear no evil,
for You are with me;Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Also these last few weeks, it made me realize the following:
1) Life is taken for granted. I am afraid of death...Oh yes very much so.
2) Physical security is taken for granted unless it is threatened.
3) Sense and Intelligence is taken for granted. I was in one of the 'Christian' retreat in one of the leading Catholic retreat center in the world and during one of the session, I could not help tears in my eyes as i helplessly beheld innocent young men and women being perverted irresponsibly by brash morality and stunningly stupid simplitudes. After going through this nonsense, my resolve to go full-time only increased. This nonsensical S*H*I*T is bloody good manure.

2009-02-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

I just realized that the song which accompanies Matt Harding's 2008 video is an adaptation of Rabindranath Tagore's "Stream of Life":

Stream of Life

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day

runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth

in numberless blades of grass

and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth

and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.

And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Read the rest of Gitanjali here: http://www.schoolofwisdom.com/gitanjali.html

For the Love of the Retro

2008-09-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

For the last few days, I am listening to some great rock music from the early 80’s. The one which got me hooked was “Tunnel of love” by the Dire straits. I first heard their music in the film “An officer and a gentleman”. The outro of this song was used so wonderfully in a scene where two former lovers meet when one of them is going after another person after they break up. This scene particularly interested me so much that I decided to watch it along with the director’s comments. Taylor Hackford mentions that it is one of his proudest scenes ever. Wikipedia describes the outro of “Tunnel of love” as one of the most heartbreaking guitar pieces. I agree whole-heartedly.

It is one of those musical moments which makes your heart ache and makes your being crave for something more than a cursory slice of life. An intense forlorn mood is designedly created by the plaintive guitar that is fierce yet subtle. This is not just this piece, there are a lot of instances where a piece of music has stinged my being to the core. When I look at this, in a way I can say this feeling of desolation is also one of longing. Not longing for anything in particular, Just longing. A frantic passion without a specific object. In fact I have noticed this quality within myself whenever I come in contact with something of an artistic quality, anything of enduring beauty. Some touching phrases of Tagore’s Geetanjali. A Painting by an Impressionist master. A heart-warming movie. All these works definitely evoke such feelings within me. What interests me is somehow the art endears itself to me even when the context of the work is so alien to me. Like in some of the movies that I have relished, I am truly not able to empathize with neither the story nor the characters. But still the empathy is there with the creator of the work. At this point I feel that my ability to express things is kind of stretched if not decapitated.

Any ways I feel like listing down my recent ‘crushes’. I feel the word crush kind of suits the scenario as indeed true art crushes me. It makes you feel helpless and vulnerable. Maybe sad and melancholic. But inevitably beautiful and intense.

1) An Indian violinist arranges a classical piece “Mokshamu” for a western style quartet. I really don’t understand the technicalities of the work but it does not matter. The music speaks to me as clearly as my mother’s voice.

2) A contemporary version of “Samaja Varagamana” featured in the album of the film “Morning Raga”. In the film, the song is picturized using an instrumental version (violin) of the song in the background. Man, that was awesome! After listening to this, even the classical version rocks!

3) Woman Hanging Laundry: Or any painting by Camille Pissarro if accompanied by a commentary!

4) Some random phrases from what I consider as a masterpiece among Tagore’s novels: Gora: "...They were not aware, as they talked on, when the moon descended behind the roofs, and its place was taken by a faint hint of light in the east, like the smile on the face of a sleeping child...."

What to say??!

2008-08-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

Water Water everywhere not a drop to drink.
It is all around me. Yet I cannot savor it. Every breath is a sigh. Every act is a desperation. Every persona a desperado.
Stunning scenery feeds the senses. Pathos that could stab the heart. Music that could melt the being. Yet why is it fleeting? Without the ability to grasp life and its dappled experiences, my life looks like one long feverish intercourse without a climax!
Somewhere I have read that "Meditation is the only freedom". As the unrelenting ticks of the clock click away, I can feel the truth of these words in my veins. Indeed Meditation or rather Death is the only freedom.

P.S: I don't expect anyone to understand this post. If you think you feel what I am saying feel free to say something. If you think I am suicidal, well you are wrong. And back off.

Cashback

2008-08-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

A heartfelt 'artistic' movie which makes you think. The protagonist is an talented artist who get insomniac after a painful breakup. He works in the night shift of a grocery story to fast forward his sleepless nights. There, he devises a way to stop time and appreciate the beauty that is there in the moment and in its subjects. Amazing use of an cinematic device (freezing time) to make us aware of the beauty that the artist beholds. How everyday objects become profound when you see them frozen in a moment.
Could empathize with the insomniac artist. Both artistic and blatant nudity juxtaposed to achieve stunning effects. British cinema is amazingly unapologetic and I love that!
I loved the closing line of the movie: "Once upon a time,I wanted to know what love was.Love is there,If you want it to be.You just have to see,That it's wrapped in beauty,And hidden away between the seconds of your life.If you don't stop for a minute,You might miss it."

One intoxicating whiff after another

2008-07-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

One thing I distinctly realize during the teachers training is that just because you are a volunteer or a teacher in a class that doesn't mean you assume what is being told in the class. You don't even give importance to the fact that at some earlier point what they told you awed you. The most important thing is to be open enough to 'look' at it afresh at that point.
Sometime during the final days of volunteering in Hyderabad, especially when i had to travel very long distances to attend the weekday evening sessions of the Inner Engineering program, I used to taunt myself saying that this time since I am traveling so long, I will try to find some hole in what transpires in the class. This is not a suspicion. Not even an prejudice. Rather an insurance. As I began to walk this path, it dawned upon me that I have to pay a certain price. Not just me. Even people around me had to pay a certain price. And i wanted to be sure of what i am getting into! :D I don't think it is necessary for me to even venture forth whether i was even remotely close to success! ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I can be perceived as cloyingly modest and desperately unemotional when I say that the most important reason for the class to happen is myself. But that is the truth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I experienced a certain powerful situation this weekend. I was manning an Isha booth in a telugu event in seattle. We were advertising the upcoming Inner Engineering program. I KNOW that what I was offering in the form of a IE post card is the most sacred thing in my life. I KNOW the chances of even a single person coming for the program because of this booth is slim. I KNOW that people's indifference/prejudice/apathy to the possibility that we were offering stings at the very core of my being. But still I did it. I don't know what it was or why it was that way but those moments where i was doing the simple act of giving the post cards were very powerful. While i was standing at the doorstep I watched a reflection of myself at the glass door. I was impeccably dressed with a belt et al. I could'nt help laughing at that moment. What have I done to myself? Why am i the way i am? It felt awesome to know that i am not in the driving seat of my life. It really didn't make much sense. Even now it doesn't. But I cannot help notice the uncontainable exuberance that comes with being a passenger. The vulnerability of it all is deviously calming. The best part was to consider that the other person who was manning the booth was a recent meditator who did the program because he himself got handed out a post card for the previous Inner engineering program in a similar event.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh what can i say? Oh what can i say?
Just to be here, i am ready to melt away.
I cannot handle it alone, that divine glance.
Come join this simpleton in this insane dance.

Yes! I cannot but share this sweet burden.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truth. Truth. Truth. One thing that amazed me when listening to the discourses during the Inner Engineering program is how can Truth be so liberating? Being an engineer, I was so used to this notion that the reality is not okay the way it is. It needs to be fixed, worked upon or engineered to suit man's needs. For most of my waking moments as an engineer, the reality is a Pri 1 bug that needs to be fixed! :D That reality is so obvious that it is not worth considering. What needs to be considered is the end-result of what one wants. The program blew my world inside out. The more I see it the more obvious it is that it is the naked truth that can set me free. The evil part of me is posing this question to myself: Ok. You are a truth seeker because you see that truth liberates you. Would be still be a seeker of truth if truth makes you sad and bitter? I am ROTFL'ing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Verbal Diarrhea: The most meaningful phrase! (Sorry Gokri!)

Blight or Blessing

2008-06-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Alexei Jawlensky: Meditation

What bigger tedium can befall anyone?
It’s noon. I am lying in my bed and I am trying to enumerate any possible reason which can nudge me to get up and face the day.

The night passed as a torpid reverie.
Torpidity of the mind and the body.
Lame retorts for a lamer jocularity.
Dragged to incredible lengths is the night.
By the spectacle of weary delusions of a wearier psyche.
One only wants to prolong the night in the hope that first light may never come.
Really, is there anything more hopeless than staying awake dreading the dawn?

The noon stings the eyes with its sizzling diligence.
The ennui is inescapable now.
The routine smirks at the puzzle of Free will.
The same question everyday: What the hell am I doing?

The mind struggles:
Is this sloth? It has to be the wrong vocation.
Why this indifference?
Your bread has to be earned, you know…
The other bank always looks greener…
Its actually tougher there…
He is crazy..She is crazy…That is wrong…This is not true…

Trying to comprehend what is happening.
YOU TOLD ME WHAT IS WRONG. YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME WHAT IS TRUE?
With No crutch to lean on to, am afraid.
Fear is fine. Falsehood is not.
My Contemplation is mocked by my own feeling that the answer is ridiculously obvious and simple.
Want to thrash my own self to the ground in hope of awakening myself.
Am waiting.

A Swirling Bundle of Suprise!

2008-06-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Painting: Melancholy By Edvard Munch.

It is not always that I get hit by a swirling bundle of surprise! A nice surprise that is. One night just before I was leaving to LA for what will probably be my last sathsang outside Seattle, I came upon this article in Google Web Alert: http://www.freewebs.com/chinswe/myblog.htm?blogentryid=3465788

This turned out to be not yet another story for the budding Ishas blog! As I was reading the candid (and almost funny) sharing from someone out there, I could not help the tears washing my cheeks. ‘Chiswe’ reminded me of myself in so many ways. Like this one for example: “gud (god)was tired and legs were paining lik hell” and “told swami that i am getting angry after yoga “. I was laughing my head out and I was crying in the sheer empathy of it all.

I don’t know the person who wrote the blog but I know that he was sharing his experiences of volunteering in the Madhapur center in Hyderabad. Well Madhapur is where we were living when we were in Hyderabad. And Madhapur is the Isha Yoga center which we helped to start from scratch. Try as I might, I cannot help feeling a strand of attachment to it. Any other sharing would not have touched me like the way it did just because it was not from the center which we helped establish. I knew that this attachment borne out of one’s action is far from the ideal which I am working towards. But I thought I would allow myself to relish the moment. It is moments like these that brighten up my own vagabond life. It’s living these moments that somehow numb my mind out of all the questions that tug my heart and my mind. But when I look at it deeper, it is also in these moments that I see in painful clarity the bleakness of my own existence and the source of all these questions.

My own voice haunts me:

“How long can I last here? How long can I make sense of the Routine and drag on? What happens if somebody in Chennai decides to confront me with my marriage? Will I give in? If I hold out, how long? I am continuously been confronted by the immensity of these questions that stare at my face. Boggled I am by the stunning non-chalance with which I choose not to answer these questions and leave my life to the wayward ways of time. “

How much longer? (I am shouting expletives to myself in my head!)

Shambho is all that I can say.

An Officer and a Gentleman

2008-05-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

What a refreshingly delightful movie this was! I distinctly remember seeing this movie in Doordarshan metro channel back in India when I was doing my, let me guess, 6^th standard. I didn’t quite recollect the story of the movie but I did distinctly remember having a feeling of intense satiation. It was because of this, that after almost 15 years that when I got my Netflix subscription, this was one of the movies that I wanted to watch.

I must say watching this movie after all these years; it left me with the same feeling. It was almost like a time-trap! When I was watching the movie yesterday on my couch at my Redmond apartment, it was almost as if I was sitting on that netted sofa back in Chennai home. I could almost smell the heavy humid Chennai air. Strange are the ways of the mind!

In my opinion at the heart of the movie is the stark nakedness with which the director portrays reality. Whether it is the womanizing father who cannot come in terms with the reality that he has a son to take care of or whether it is the dilemma which haunts Paula (the heroine) when she realizes that by falling in love with the navy hotshot she almost became the so called ‘Puget-deb’, the stark nakedness in which the situations, the emotions and the plot is depicted is so endearing. The movie does not make any effort to justify nor explain away any of the actions done by the people in the drama. Thankfully it does not even dwell on the glory of the navy tradition more than it is necessary. Compare that with some of the movies like ‘Top Gun’ which even though I found it likable was almost like a clever advertisement for US Navy!

Richard Gere. Oh My God! What an excellent choice to play the role of the stoic self-centered marine wannabe who is the result of a little domestic disaster. I don’t know which I liked better: the way Richard Gere acted in the movie or the iconic character that he portrayed. The character that Richard Gere portrays: Zach Mayo or “Mayonnaise” is almost like a conundrum. Zack is stoic and repressed in childhood, self-centered and motivated at the beginning of the training and towards the end almost develops a sense of comradeship. During the course of the movie, we see Zack being haunted by the disappointments of his past and finally how he faces them. We learn about this when he lets go of his stoicism and opens up to Debra when they are in intimacy. In a way, I see the whole movie as somehow depicting the coming-of-age of Zack.

Contrast that with the character of Paula played by the oh-so-charming Debra Winger. She declares unapologetically that every day she sees her mother, she knows what she does not want from her life. She wants to be an ‘aviator’ wife and fly out of the conservative factory town where she is stuck now. Initially shown in tandem with Lynette who shares the same dream as Paula but as the story progresses, the fork in their characters comes out so distinctly at the same time so unjudgingly. While Lynette schemes of trapping Sid into matrimony, who happens to be Zack’s buddy just as Paula is Lynette’s, by claiming she is pregnant, Paula is just inclined to have a good time. After this episode, Paula is in a dilemma. If she expresses her true love for Zack (which she eventually develops) she will reduce to the position of Lynette in the eyes of Zack. The plot somehow unravels rather fluently.

The genuineness of the characters almost touches you. As does the humble plot. I guess that’s why I really liked the movie. I must admit perhaps the story is disgusting. So is the character of Zack sometimes. But the sheer genuineness and the classy feel is what perhaps pulls the whole movie through.

The screenplay is so effective yet so inconspicuous. I like it when things are effective yet it does not assert itself every now and then.

The entire movie is shot our own Evergreen state of Washington. In fact almost always you see the roads are rain-washed and the outdoor shots are always set against the low-overhanging rain-clouds. J

This post will not be complete without me saying about what I consider as the Aha moment of the movie. This is when Zack, dressed impeccable in the naval white uniform walks with steady gait becoming of a naval officer into the factory floor where Paula works. One can almost imagine his fleeting smile when he first sees Paula and then hugs her from behind and sweeps her off the floor and carries her to the outside. Then you see Zack carrying Paula towards the exit and Paula takes the navy hat off Zack and puts it on herself. At that moment the screen freezes and the iconic moment is made in the history of cinema and perhaps etched at the back of our minds!

Nethi Nethi....

2008-01-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

This Saturday I watched the movie "tara zameen par". I liked the movie very much. Some portions of the movie elicited a lot of empathy from the audiences. When i look at the people around me during the movie, a lot of ppl were obviously moved with sympathy. As much as I know this could get me unpopular, I could not help myself from thinking on these lines: Where did this love for some fictional character come from? One moment people were all normal and then suddenly their eyes well up in the pity for a disabled boy. I was wondering if this love will be sustained in the same intensity as it is at this moment even if the boy becomes completely free of disability. If in fact love for a subject recedes at the moment the subject becomes a peer or superior in every way, then is this love or is it an emotional expression of condescension. Whether they have this kind of love for the person sitting in the next seat is questionable. In fact it stuns me when i see people who burst forth in emotion for some figment of imagination live in the utmost disregard for the person sitting next to him. Is this love? Or is this the ego expressing in the most subtle way?
Nethi Nethi...The Buddha said it right.

Everything that is worth knowing is right here.

2007-11-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

I wonder what is it about the four walls, a bunch of dazed folks called participants, a handful of sober yet smiling volunteers and one graceful being called the teacher that makes it so special. For me it is like Life’s greatest struggles and questions are answered by just popping a pill (much like the red pill which Morpheus asks neo to take in the Matrix). In fact it is more like popping a candy than a pill. Let alone a red pill. I distinctly remember the first time I went to Isha Yoga class for volunteering. This was immediately next to the program that I myself attended. It was like I had no choice. I had to be there. And I will bow down a million times to Lokanetra that he did not give me a choice. At that time, I was staying at madhapur and the class was happening at Begumpet. Since then I have been ‘hanging around’ whenever isha yoga programs have happened in Hyderabad.

Sometimes, I am asking myself what is it that pulled me towards all the corners of the Hyderabad city. What is it? What makes us (There were typically 5 nuts who did this including myself)get up at 5 on a Sunday morning and cram into a share auto all the way to ameerpet. Maybe it is just to watch the beauty and the grace with which the Isha teachers carry themselves. Maybe it is the intellectual ride that the teacher takes us on. Maybe it is those profound anecdotes that make me laugh at myself as much as I laugh at the futility of Shankaran Pillai. Maybe it is the legendary Sunday morning games played with so much child-like abandon and love. Maybe it is the silence that lingers around me days after the initiation day volunteering. Maybe it is to sit clumsily on the floor pseudo-cross-legged as practically every muscle is aching and eat the leftovers of the initiation food with a renewed sense of reverence. Maybe it is to see the ocean of grateful/dazed/confused faces as they leave the initiation hall on Sunday. I have no god-damn idea. I just keep getting back to this space no matter where. Beyond a certain point, I could not attribute any reason to this. There was neither emotion nor ratiocination. It was just like an iron piece getting attracted to a magnet.

Just being in the space of the class is so transforming. It is like I am getting a new zest for life. It is like every moment I can melt away into a dance. Sometimes I wonder why is that I feel so good after a class? Definitely one of the main reasons is that in the class, I see the fool that I am with a lot of limitations and with that realization comes the possibility that I can transcend that limitation. Initially the inescapable logic will overwhelm me. After some time, just entering the class room was enough to overwhelm me. No need for a question to be answered. No need for the aha moment. It was like Pavlov’s conditioned response. This indeed is my life biggest blessing. This came uncalled for. I really did not have any spiritual longing when I attended the first program with Jaggi. At that time, I was wallowing in my own desolate cynicism. I did not know what I was stepping into. Even now I don’t know where I am headed towards. But one thing I know is, this life has become incredibly sweet. Not because of something or someone. Senselessly sweet. I cannot claim that I am like this 24 X 7. But I know it is possible. It is like all things bright and beautiful is right here as I watch my life go by. It is just like I am sitting on a window seat on a bus. The bus goes through all kinds of places: the busy ameerpet, the calm banjara hills, the lovely roundabout at the KBR park. But I am sitting there by the bus window watching them go past like a dream. I don’t know if this is making sense to anybody. If this is possible to me for one moment, I know it is possible for the next moment and so on and so forth.
I could have never dreamed spirituality could be like this.
Why me? So many sincere seekers abound…why me? All I can do is bow down in speechless supplication.

2007-09-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

Looking at the blue horizon on an autumn evening, I embarked on a journey.
Setting my eyes on the orange end of the sky, I started walking with my heart burnin'.
Cos I wanted the light.
And i am not gonna give up without a fight.
Sensing my hopeless loiter,
I thought a car would get me there faster.

I revved and zoomed through the lanes.
My eyes set on the fading sky.
A certain certitude came upon me.
Alas not for eternity.

What can I call it this road?
It is slippery when I need to speed. It is car worthy and inviting when my car is broke.
How many more accidents do I need to understand that the road will not make me fly?
Rather it will continuously wind round and round this earth in a hopeless dance.
How many more mirages will I fall for?
How many more oases will feed my parched throat only to leave the drinker even more desolate?

My car lay waste upon the sand as the sun sank over the horizon.
I collapsed on the tar. My body tired.
But it is not the tire that I am weary of.
It is the hopelessness of it all that stokes fire in me.
My heart aches and cries out. I want this light.

Angel

2007-09-24T14:56:00.001-07:00

I wanted to thank the angel in the City of Angels itself. But then i forgot. Thought i would put Robbie williams's Angels video embedded in my post. Then i quickly decided that it was inappropriate.Then I found that the following post by Sriprasanna is exactly what i am looking for: http://prasannaslog.blogspot.com/2006/07/journey-with-angels.html

I know this is completly superfluous, unwarranted and somewhere awkward but here is me thanking you.

A Ball Can Change the World

2007-09-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

One of the conspicuous and recurring aspect of any Isha activity is the aspect of games. Be it the social projects like Action for Rural rejuvenation and Project for green Hands or the more spiritual encounters like the Isha yoga classes, teachers training or even a quiet volunteers’ meet at Besant Nagar beach, you are never far from a game of ball. It is something that I always wonder: how can growth be such a joyful and effortless process? In fact I am so spoiled by Isha in this respect. I feel that I am getting a free ride all the time. In my experience the way we play games at Isha is so unique. Whatever we see in the class comes alive. For the time we are in the playground, just everything else melts and you mellow down to a plain piece of life. You don’t go to the playing ground mulling over this year’s performance bonus. You don’t go there with a pounding heart pepping yourself with Eminem’s “Lose yourself”. You don’t even go there to win. You go there just to partake in this wondrous river called life. One thing that I experientially see is that during those moments of such intense involvement with the game, life just happens. Body and mind sink to the background. The ball is all that you see. And a smile is all that is there is in everyone’s face. :)
It is just awesome how an aspect as simple as games can transform the humanity. This is perfectly captured in the following video: http://gramotsavam.ishafoundation.org/about-gramotsavam/a-ball-can-change-the-world/. You can directly open it using Media player by clicking here. My take is that this is one of the best videos that has been put together.
Looks like I have become an unofficial trumpet for Isha. But guess what, I can’t help it anymore. Posting in my blog was the last thing I wanted to do on today’s morning. Have lots of work to do before I leave my office early today. But when one see the kind of transformation that is being instantiated by such a simple and effortless means, I just could not lay back and continue my work like I have seen nothing. :)
If you are in Chennai or near Chennai, you can catch some of this action at the Isha Gramotsavam held at Anna University campus: http://gramotsavam.ishafoundation.org/about-gramotsavam/e-flyer . You can find more details here.

Give me Green

2007-09-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have always loved trees. Even in my childhood, I loved the shade. When most people went gaga over the theme parks like Kishkinta and VGP which were such an in-thing those times, I would have rather loved a trip to Ooty. I vividly remember me enjoying the walk back home from my school under the shade of the ‘morning glory’ trees in the late Chennai summers. Thinking about this, I also remember looking out of my class room at all those squirrels on the tree near our class and wondered how free they really were. They did not have a report card to get their parent’s sign. I found it utterly desolate that we could not live like squirrels. I remember wondering that maybe Darwin got it wrong.

My school-going days were soon over and I attended college at Anna University. This was the first time I was using public transport in Chennai. It was a long trip. I had to ride the crowded 47D bus for 14 kms right through the heart of Chennai. And you have to be there to experience the ordeal. To give you an idea, most of the times when I get out of the bus I smell of cheap cigarettes, brandy and the sweat of 100 people. And to top it off, I would feel I had just wrestled an entire team of riot police. But the experience of getting down the bus and walking those hallowed roads that leads to the CEG building was nothing but surreal. Within few paces of walking away from the bus stand, I will feel that I am stepping into another world. A world so green and so serene that it’s ok to just watch squirrels and birds. The campus was deliciously full of trees. I just loved walking those roads in the campus with the soft breeze chilling my sweaty brow. And just how could I ever not miss ‘bodhi’ tree just at the entrance of our computer science department.

Somehow being in Chennai which is notorious for its heat, the trees endeared themselves to me. It had a certain calming effect. It gave me a feeling that living itself was a pleasure. That I did not have to do anything other than to just look at the squirrels and the birds. It has pained me to see trees getting cut and environment getting polluted. The scientific reasons for conserving the nature did not sound so convincing to me. Though it did manage to scare me. Why I really wanted the nature to be conserved was because I felt good in its presence. And I felt that I better pass on what was handed to me by the previous generation to the next in the same if not better condition.

Somewhere during this journey of life I have started an another. A journey with Isha. One thing that I distinctly notice about myself since then is that I am more aware of how much I owe this existence for my survival. There descends a sense of reverence to the most simple things. Like food, earth, water etc. Real reverence. Not emotional manby-pampy. It was just a simple realization that without this piece of earth called food that which I am about to consume, my life would be in jeopardy. And this reverence breeds a kind of sensibility about things that really matter. A sense of connection to the existence comes up within. I feel that it is only out of this can true conservation of environment can happen. Environment cannot be saved by doomsday prophecies. Real conservation can happen only if there is a realization that what I call as my environment is an important aspect of my survival. So important that it is also a part of me. I distinctly remember during teachers training how some insects used to invade our class. I also remember how swami nagasena will lovingly take the insect in his hand and leave it outside. Sometimes he will refer to them as “avaru” as if referring to a real person.

It is in this context that I really feel that the need for highlighting the importance of Project Green Hands. The uniqueness of this project in my opinion is that the work comes from a deeper level of understanding and awareness. I recently read a sharing by Deepak who was volunteering for the project in Chennai. The article itself conveys the sense of reverence with which we want to do this. It’s so beautiful. Not just the work but also the way the work is done. This is the case with any Isha Endeavour. Whatever we are doing, the quality of the work is significantly different. We may be doing something completely mundane but the way we do it; the awareness with which the act is done is completely transformational. Transformational not just for the beneficiary but also for the benefactor. The project is quite bullish. In short the aim of the project is to increase the green cover of Tamil Nadu from its present 18% to the optimal 33%. I really hope that this project gets the attention that it deserves. Cos the main reason for this project is not to achieve any world record but to stun the world to the most obvious reality that the very Earth which has nourished us for so many generations is under attack.

I invite all my readers to think about this. Do what you think is sensible.

For more details visit: http://www.projectgreenhands.org/

To Donate online: http://www.ishafoundation.org/component/option,com_donate/Itemid,221/

Watch this video:

This is to the good times!

2007-08-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

Coming to America

2007-08-10T18:22:00.001-07:00

So it finally happened. I have blogged. This was pending for a long time. Somehow, I never wanted to write. Maybe because I was so confident that my cynical writing would scare away people. Maybe because I did not want to add my own little noise to the cacophony of this world. Nevertheless I decided to write something. There are several things that I could write about. Fantastic things. Things which I could not possibly express in words. Things that will most certainly alarm people. I could also write about stuff that people would love to read.

One of the most wonderful things that happened since the time I last blogged is that I attended the teachers training in the ashram. 15 days of bliss. This step elicited some of the strongest resistances to come up within me. I still don’t know how I managed to convince myself to go through this program. In fact I didn’t. Looking back I can only say it happened in spite of me. I did this program just after my final day in Hyderabad and just before coming to the US. For me it was an experiment in life. What happens if you don’t exist for one whole day. What happens if you can live almost every moment of your life just as life. Not as a someone or somebody. Effortlessness is the way. I don’t know how I could have done the things that I did. Perhaps the single most important reason why I chose to spend 15 days was to be with temple. Perhaps to deepen my practices. I really donno. But somewhere deep within me, I know I did the 15 days session because I wanted to realize what I will be missing if at all I take one step away from the Path. I wanted a big knock on my head every time I do something stupid. Somewhere I felt that the knock would be bigger if I spent 15 days in the ashram. I know I am right.

Oh! What games does the mind play! For me those 2 months have been pretty tight. I was in the middle of a sea of changes. Lot of things will be different. I will be in a different country. I will not be able to see the temple whenever I feel like. I cannot see some of my friends. I cannot see my Chennai home. In lots of ways I was bracing myself for an enormous emotional upheaval. While leaving Madhapur. While leaving our Den(103,Sai Teja residency,Madhapur). While leaving my office. The last time I saw Bhoopesh in the ashram. Having that fleeting darshan of the temple while hurrying back to Chennai. Leaving so many things that meant a lot to me. I was constantly on lookout for these things. That uncontainable tear that sneaks out of my pressed eyebrows. I did not necessarily label those emotions wrong. I just felt that they were impermanent beyond doubt. Strangely, I went through all these things and more very effortlessly and in a very detached manner. In fact I did not realize this until I arrived here. It was only then that I realized things will be different. In some ways I felt good about this. I always felt that if there was one thing which people glorify obnoxiously, it will be nostalgia. Yuck! Sometimes it makes me puke to see how cinema uses it as a populist technique. But it is strange how simple things can evoke the strongest of the emotions.

When I arrived in the US, one thing I realized within the first 3 weeks is that life in Hyderabad made sense somehow. It is not about the work that I did. I was not overly passionate about selling a few more licenses of the windows server operating systems. It was not the money that made it sensible. Looking at it now, life was worth living there because I honestly felt that I was growing. And inevitably I was always happy. Also somewhere there was this insuppressible zest to share that which was offered to me to others. All the other things in my life: my work, my office, me taking care of my family was all the things that supported me to do this. These chores by themselves didn’t have much meaning; but because they supported the rest of the stuff that really meant something to me made those chores more bearable. When I was in Hyderabad, there was always this next class that I could look forward to. There was this volunteering work that I wanted to do. These things somehow made me want to jump off my bed in the morning. Once I was in the US, I realized within the 2nd week that I did not want to get up from the bed. I really did not feel anything was worth something. I could not just get up from bed, get showered in hot water, shave, get dressed and get to office where I will be pounding the keyboard from morning till dusk and then get back home and watch some reruns of Friends and Seinfeld. It was so horrific to notice that the whole humanity was wallowing in this humdrum and not notice it. But I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is in this context that I see the importance of Sadhana. For most of us, we cannot simply be. We have to do something to make ourselves intense. And Intense we shall become.

So the game continues. For me this is how I look this: a log of wood has caught a delicate flame from the sun itself. The log has a mind of its own. Will the log spread that flame to those exotic trees or will it dampen itself out? I know not. The thing that is clear is the log will not be settled until it burns itself out.

How long can I last here? How long can I make sense of the Routine and drag on? What happens if somebody in Chennai decides to confront me with my marriage? Will I give in? If I hold out, how long? I am continuously been confronted by the immensity of these questions that stare at my face. Boggled I am by the stunning non-chalance with which I choose not to answer these questions and leave my life to the wayward ways of time.

Hope

2007-01-23T02:40:00.000-08:00

These days I am getting a new hobby, a new indulgence. It is so much more entertaining than watching TV or whatever. It is watching my nephew Amalan live his first months. Whenever I look at him I get reminded of the haunting lines of Khalil Gibran:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

-The Prophet Khalil Gibran

I wish somebody shows this to all parents including mine. Cos the only way this world moves forward is through the spoils of the young. And the only way this happens is through change. Growth is change. Expecting our children to like us is the greatest curse on them. Doing so means we accept the status quo and shut up. That's a sacrilege to the intelligence of the humanity. Hence our children are our only hope. They are a huge opportunity for us to grow because they don't come prepackaged with our stupid assumptions. They come as an empty cup. And it is only to an empty cup the river of life flows forth.

Having said this, I humbly acknowledge that stating the above when I am young is infinitely more easy than been on the other side of the equation and live the talk. J

Anything else is plain self-congratulatory delusion.

2007-01-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

I have always felt that I should be able to define myself in a couple of words. That I should be able to express myself in two or three sentences. Like an entrenched CEO who fumbles with the Tagline of his beloved company, I see myself doing this. The last time I thought about this, the following was the result:

a.j.anto: (Proper Noun) A humble spirit who wanders the face of the earth trying desperately to find the destination of this life and its meaning. Confronted by his ignorance, Awed by the mystery of the universe, blessed with good acquaintances and (hopefully) loved by God.

When I look back at this, I find that my definition of myself has gone for a toss. When I try to define myself now this is what I get: (Warning: Blatant Cynicism Ahead)

A piece of life who does not know its real self. Constantly enslaved and overwhelmed by its emotions, thoughts and body. It is capable of doing and believing almost any insane thing in this world. All that is needed is the right proportion of logic, emotions and hormones. It thinks it is navigating this ocean called life when in actuality it is no better than a piece of driftwood floating in the ocean. Oceans don't care what driftwoods think they are capable of. Anything else is plain self-congratulatory delusion.

PS: I wrote this while mulling over whether Samyama is really for me this time around. Ah, now I don't feel any more pondering is needed.

PS2: If you thought the phrase "Self-congratulatory delusion" is cool, the credits go to Michael Crichton

Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told--and become upset if they are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their 'beliefs.' The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion.

-Michael Crichton, The Lost World

The Lover

2006-12-19T01:11:00.000-08:00

Why do you taunt me so?
Why do you tease me like this, you merciless lover?
What have I done to earn this fury?
I thought I shaked you off my back and I walked that path of solemn stupidity.
But then who might have fancied that this seed that you have planted on me feeds on my insolence as much as it feeds on my meekness.

Where is me? What the hell happened with it?
I thought my words were a vestige of my identity. In that hopeless thought I rested.
Then it dawned on me that it was your words after all.
I thought my face was the personification of myself.
But in my eyes I could only see your glare.
I schemed that I was there for my action is. I thought “I do therefore I am”. But then I am no longer doing what I want. My body is being dragged around remorselessly at your command.

Joy and Sorrow I care no more.
All I long for is your throbbing bosom.
What shall I do with this senselessness?
A part of me despairs “What happens if you tread thus?”
my heart pounds, my flesh aches, my face crimsons.
On my cheek flows a gentle river.
Is this madness forever?

Nandita Das

2006-11-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

I first knew that there was a person called Nandita Das when RSS were going crazy after a movie in which she acted was released and did not exactly strike the right chords with them(Btw, the movie was Fire). At that time, i dismissed her as yet another of those despondent 'we-are-different-symdrome' types. Then i saw a couple of her movies in Tamil. The most important one being Kannathil Muttamittal. The movie was so engrossing that I did not give the actors the attention they deserved. (Mani took them all). And then I stumbled on her website: http://www.nanditadasonline.com. I must say my perception about her (not that it matters) has really changed. In lots of ways she remimded me about myself. From her writings, I could sense the artisitic rebellion in her. Her dogged determination to be the way she is irrespective of the way the soceity says. The more I read her articles, the more she endears herself to me. It feels good to see an artist who is committed to her art, who opens herself to the suffering arround her and most importantly is true to herself. I am usually turned off by celebrity activism because there was always a certain vulgarity about it. But reading Nandita's own experiences about her social work casts a different picture altogether. All I could see was a human being trying to do her mite.
I don't like disclaimers. I know that I know about Nandita only through a couple of her articles and that I might be wrong and all that. It's ok. I will settle for that mythical Nandita Das who is the perfect personification of those articles. For now, I have hopelessly fallen in love with that atrociously beautiful thing.

Chennai Visit

2006-07-06T02:42:00.000-07:00

Doing it the traditional way..(Achint, Mubashir and me)

Me and Achint as we were rowing in Muttukadu...

During the marriage...

One of my colleagues at Microsoft recently got married and some of us from MS decided to go to Chennai for the occasion. Almost for everybody it was the first trip to Chennai and yours truly was nominated unanimously to be the travel guide. :-D
We had a lot of fun. We went to Mahaballipuram and then we went to MuttuKadu along the ECR and we went rowing. One among the several reasons why i sport a moustache was to look like a local. In spite of this the auto drivers in Chennai still out-bargained me and i had a heavy price literally...;-)
Rama Subbu and Divya...Wish you all the marital bliss... :-D

Happy Birthday to me! :-D

2006-06-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we celebrated my 24th birthday. We had lots of fun as is evident from the photos. We had the ceremonial cake cutting followed by some 'kick-ass' birthday wishes. I had just recovered from a bout of viral fever for which i was hospitalized for 2 days. I was nursed back to health by the watchful prowl of my friends just in time to receieve those birthday bashes. Ah! What to say? I feel blessed... :-D
People were poking all over me.
Posing with the smug looking Mr.Ducky who was my birthday present.
Grin :-)

The Pointlessness of Censorship

2006-06-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

The Tamil Nadu government has banned the controversial movie "The Da Vinci Code". Maybe Tamil Nadu government isn't as stupid as you might think. This what would have probably happened: Sony knew that the movie is never going to be as insanely successful as the novel so it packs off cash, a lone Playstation and some CD's to the CM's and asks them to ban the movie in the hope that the controversy that entails will generate enough noise to make the cash registers ring. Remember Fanaa? Mediocre movie; Critics had a field day; BJP banned the movie in Gujarat; Fanaa is succesful.
One just wonders whether the state governments are really wily or are they plain stupid?

Summer was here

2006-06-02T03:46:00.000-07:00

As I was travelling to my office on a shuttle, i started reading the only paper which was within my reach. It was the day's edition of "Young world". It was really a long time since i had read this suppplement. Just out of curiousity i read this and to my pleasant suprise i found it very amusing. More suprising is the fact that i could easily relate to most of the articles.

I was really transported to another world in another time after reading the following lines from this article:

Splashing through large water puddles, watching the world through raindrops on the edges of leaves, chasing frogs in the garden, a sudden darkening of the sky in the middle of a boring Hindi lesson, deafening thunder that drowns out the voice of the teacher in the middle of that awfully complex theorem, hushed giggles, rain-soaked afternoons ... Ahhhhh! school sure can be wonderful!

And this:

The best part of a holiday by the sea is the sand castles you can build — full of tunnels and turrets from which you can launch battles and attacks on the castle your older sister has built.

Please don't miss this fun. Go ahead and start reading 'Young World'. Especially if you are one of those ones who read newspapers the first thing in the morning. I am sure it will do more good in brightening up your day than by reading about what happened to RSS offices and what Arjun Singh is up to these days. ;-)

Look what happened to my cube!

2006-05-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

My colleagues decided to give me a suprise today morning. And this is what they decided to do to my monitor.

Some of the folks who were involved in this Friday morning creative outburst.

You guys rock :-D
Man, I love Fridays...

I feature in Desipundit

2006-05-25T02:35:00.000-07:00

I am happy that my post on Da Vinci Code was posted in Desipundit. Modesty aside, it feels good to be showcased. :-D

Anna University – My Alma Mater

2006-05-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

Anna University – Our Intellectual Mother

I have not blogged for a long time and I really wanted to write something. So I was thinking about something profound to write about. I thought about a lot of things but finally I decided that one of the profound things that happened to me was my undergraduate education. When I think about my college I literally get mixed feelings: glory, grit, guts, gaiety, gadgets etc. :-D. When I look back on my life, it indeed seems so obviously evident that most of the things which define my life as it happens right now have been inevitably shaped by my college. Well here is the list of reasons why I feel my college had a definite role in the way I am:

I really stepped into the world only after coming to college. School was of course great in its own way. But it was in college that I really met the world. In school I have always been cloistered in stuffy rooms and shuttled between home and school in cocooned vehicles. My world was defined by academic and non-academic books, teachers, parents and church. On top of this my school was less than 1 km from my house. I somehow feel that I lost myself in this microcosm. It was only when I came to college that I finally got to see the city itself. Life is indeed a study of contrasts. My college was 15 km away from my house. I traveled throughout my 4-year B.E. course in public buses. Somehow I feel it was during this time that I really opened up to the world. I remember those days in which a couple of us studying at Anna will cuddle into a crowded bus in a sweaty Chennai afternoon and watch the city go-by by the comfort of a window seat. Some of the things that I relish even now during these long bus journeys are the following: The times when we used to test Raghuram’s arithmetic skills by giving him two random 4 digit-numbers and ask him the product. Inevitably we run of numbers and we finally come to a position where we are have to resort to using the numbers from the license plates of passing vehicles..:-) And then there were those days when I used to listen spellbound as Hemanth expounded his latest crush which will typically be how Stephen Hawking’s ideas of Space and Time apply to the Space-Time complexities of Computer Science. And of course there is the spectacle of simple life going about in the bus. Different people in their different ways sharing a single roof just for a few minutes.
I grew out of Christianity. I think my previous article talks about this in more detail. As I said earlier, there were several reasons for this. But among those several reasons the one that cannot be discounted was the candid discussions we had among ourselves. Some of us were outright crazy. If I mention the content of some of the discussions, I really feel Sigmund Freud would feel embarrassed. Of course we had disagreements. Even to this day. But we all felt mutually comfortable having these discussions. Some of these discussions continue to this day. Also a lot my long standing convictions changed during college.
The third reason why I felt that my college changed the way I am was because, it hallmarked the change in my attitude. It was not a sudden change. In fact I did not realize the change had happened until it was over. In school I was always the best student. As was every other student in my college…J. I guess this should sort of set the tone for what is to follow. In school, I was looked upon as a whiz kid. A sort of nerd who always gets the best marks, finishes all the homework and ad nauseam. And even among my family, I was like an icon. I really did not think that this has gone into my head. But nevertheless when I entered college I was greeted by the real hard-hitters. And it was during this time that I was treated as a normal being who does not always get the highest marks. For perhaps the first time in my academic life, I basked in the simplicity of being mediocre. (At least speaking relatively) That’s not to say that I consciously bunked classes or whatever. I was just the same. I was trying to get myself good grades; I was trying to get myself into good job. It was just that people around me were not gushing with encomiums whenever I go near them. And I felt very comfortable about this.
Then there is this whole creativity thing. Unlike what you will hear from most people who will be saying that all they got from college was their friends and nostalgia; it would be correct to say I learnt my trade in my college. When I entered my college I have barely seen a computer for more than a couple of times. I can unequivocally say that almost everything that I know about computers, I learnt it during college. We had some of the great teachers and some of the worst teachers taking the classes. Some were worthy of worship as they poured out the tricks of the trade before us. These were the people who were teaching because somehow teaching really made sense to them. For them it was a conscious choice. Several of these good teachers had work experience at industry and it was an intellectual treat to attend their classes. And at the other end of the spectrum were some folks who were into this teaching thing because they are not good enough for the industry. I would rather not talk about them. On some random day as I would be traveling in the company shuttle to my work place, I found myself uttering a silent song of gratitude to all these people. Of course there was this other way of learning things: Friends. I believe I learned more things hanging around with friends while doing some project than from formal academics. We did a lot of projects. I had my share of crazy projects. Like a group of robots playing football against each other. ;-) It was our first experience with technical collaboration. I remember how it felt when I first ran an executable which was generated by the compiler that we wrote. The program was supposed to draw a line. And the feeling was priceless. To say the least.
One more that which defined our college (at least during those days) was the fact that it was one free country. We had no dress code. We could bunk classes if we wanted and spend our time in the library. I remember spending most of my time either in the library or in the hostel. I remember my aversion to formal grooming started with the college. My outrageously informal dressing sense had its beginnings in my college. And it continues till date.
Last but not the least. (This is really a no-brainer) When I look at my CEG experience, if there was one thing which made the whole thing tick, it was the bunch of students who were part of our class. I got the chance to get acquainted with some of the most colorful and remarkable folks I have ever met in my life. I can clearly see that these friendships are for a lifetime. Some of these friends challenge me. Some of them reassure me. Some of them make me think. Some of them make me gape. Some of them make me cry. Some of them make me roll on the floor laughing. Inevitably all of them left a mark on me.

When I look back upon my college, I can clearly say that I have no regrets whatsoever. Not even my mediocre 7.9 CGPA(I am not proud of my CGPA though). We had the time of our lifetime. I really hope that Guindy Engineering College continues to be the melting pot of the best students in the country.

The Da Vinci Dilemma

2006-05-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

I picked up the paperback edition of “The Da-Vinci Code” in sometime around the middle of 2004 before all the maelstroms surrounding the book were unleashed. When I first picked up the red-colored book with an interesting subject at Landmark book shop at Bangalore, little did I realize that this book would become such a popular book it is right now. There have been other books and initiatives that have equal if not more temerity with which they hit back at the Catholic Church at a place where it hurts the most. Perhaps what separates “The Da-Vinci Code” from the others is how the author has put together a work which seems like a fictional thriller and at the same time has enough ratiocination to shake the basics of a person’s Christian faith.
When I first read it, I must say (so did several millions of book readers who made it a best seller) that it was a novel par excellence. The work did not shake my faith whatsoever as there was nothing much of faith left in me anyways to be shaken. Perhaps it was my college. Or perhaps it was my daredevil friends who had the guts to question everything. Or perhaps it was also myself. Whatever the reason, during my engineering studies, I have clearly grown out of faith. Looking back, I don’t know how it happened. But I remember one day at church as I was waiting for the sermon to get over, I remember a strange logic which was trying its best to get itself heard within me. I think I just watched the movie “Matrix” and it had set me thinking. Suddenly I had this notion that what if all this stuff which is being preached was factually wrong. Why should I unquestioningly believe that this/that scripture was true? When I clearly lived in an era/place where I cannot know/experience a truth/fiction that was written, how can I be expected to accept it as a belief? It sounded simple at that moment so I was just wondering why I should be the only person to have these doubts. Whether the belief was factually true or not is a different matter. My dilemma was simple: How can I accept or believe something which cannot be verified. All I am ready to do is a little experimentation in the hope of experiencing some truth. In other words, all I was ready to do was set aside my preconceived and comfortable notions for some time so that I can be opened up to some truth. Now talk like this to any Christian authority and you are asking for serious trouble. As I did. Strangely very few of my family/school friends could relate to these questions as my college friends did. I must say I scared a couple of my close Christian friends during this time. Some of them ended their conversations with me by saying “Anto, I will pray for your faith…” Looking at them, it was clear that they were looking into someone walking off the charted path for the righteous. Perhaps the intensity of my questions springs from the very way Christianity has been defined to me. You can be a Christian only as long as you believe. What you do is not irrelevant but not as important as what you believe. If you believe in the Christ, what you do is not very important. Though Christianity has some of the most formal Do’s and Don’ts, some of which comes all the way from the papal office, in the name of divine mercy, most of the crap which you do can be easily discounted. And if you lived several hundred years ago, you could buy yourself out of Hell with the help of the papal office. At the same time, if you don’t believe in Christ, you are doomed to Hell no matter how good you are.
Thus Christianity is a classic example of belief system. Morality and rituals take a humble backseat. I have asked the following question to several people who claim that their Christian faith is tenable no matter what Dan brown writes. The question is simple: “Let’s say there was a man who as an infant was stranded on a highly remote island. He was living there all alone. He somehow learnt the knack of keeping himself alive. And devoid of any human contact, he thought he was the only human in the world and lived his life as the situation demanded and one fine day he died. Will this person go to Hell because he never knew Christ let alone believe in Him?” Some of the people whom I asked will sound confused. Some of them will out rightly say Yes to this question. Some of them will spin fantastic tales on how Christ will reach out to every human being no matter where he is. Almost all of the Christians say “Yes”. Some of them who were very close to me won’t dare say “Yes” to this question to me. So they will hesitantly say “No, God will forgive…blah blah..”. Ultimately none of their answers satisfied me. Like this my questioning went on... Finally I came to a calm but firm conclusion: “I do not know”. Mind you I did not reject Christ or whatever. All I said to myself was “I really do not know whether this is true or not. It could be true or It could be false. Jesus could have been God himself. Jesus could have been just another prophet. Maybe he married Mary Magdalene. Maybe he was just a normal human being who wanted to change the society for the better. I am equally open to any of this. But I will accept any one of them only when I experience it as a truth in my life. I do not want to settle for a belief system.”
This indeed is the dilemma of every person who believes. Seems like this iconic novel is made into a full-length movie and the other day I was watching an interview in which some Christian figures were discussing the potential ramifications of such a movie in a new channel. A lot of them were sensible enough to understand that banning the movie even among Christians will be simply fruitless. People will watch this blockbuster. Some were looking really belligerent that this thing is made into such a hit. Some of them simply could not accept it. They are not ready to look into any of it. For them, their belief exists for its own sake. It exists outside the ordinary realm of reality, science, facts and the logic. While I could frankly say that I cannot be like them, I must say that I respect their way of life and let them be their way. Reminiscing on this, I want to quote the following article by Vivekananda. http://www.writespirit.net/inspirational_talks/spiritual/swami_vivekananda_talks/bhakti_yoga Even though I have said that I respect the people who believe, I can’t but make the following observation here: there is one reason why Osama Bin Laden is killing around people in the same evangelistic zeal as did the Papal office when it squashed the scientific community in the Dark Ages (And who can forget the White man’s burden) .

I believe it is because of these belief systems. Belief by definition is not bound by reality. Hence one Belief naturally tend to be contradictory with respect to another. Hence the strife.
In the end all I am asking is: “Let you be the way you are. Let me be the way I am. A Believer needs company. A Seeker doesn’t.”

My latest adventure.

2006-04-20T04:29:00.000-07:00

This was the IM conversation that i had with my long last school friend. I guess this will more than tell you about my latest adventure.
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:11 PM]:
hi ...
She [4:11 PM]:
hi da
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:11 PM]:
came back from chennai this monday...
She [4:12 PM]:
hw ws the trip?
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:12 PM]:
it was great...
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:12 PM]:
my nephew was looking absolutely beautifull..
She [4:13 PM]:
wow that s nice
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:14 PM]:
i >might <> go to Pune this weekend..
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:14 PM]:
yes...
She [4:15 PM]:
kool
She [4:15 PM]:
grt life
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:15 PM]:
you bet..
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:19 PM]:
can u believe what i am going to say?
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:19 PM]:
i left my house keys and my cell back in chennai..
She [4:19 PM]:
wt ?
She [4:19 PM]:
wt the hel
She [4:20 PM]:
no phone
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:20 PM]:
but did not forget to bring my iPod along... ;-)
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:20 PM]:
for the last 4 days staying at different placess...
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:20 PM]:
friends placess..
She [4:20 PM]:
=))
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:20 PM]:
i am getting enuf hospitality
She [4:20 PM]:
this is the most funiest thing i hav ever heard :-D
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:20 PM]:
now comes the cream of the joke..
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:21 PM]:
today i was rumpaging throu my rucksack
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:21 PM]:
and guess what i got..
She [4:21 PM]:
keys ?
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:21 PM]:
my key...
She [4:21 PM]:
=))
She [4:21 PM]:
u r the stupidest guy in the whole world
She [4:22 PM]:
=))
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:22 PM]:
yes. And proud of it...
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:23 PM]:
you see living like a vagrant with just a bag that you can really call your own...gives me a certain high...
She [4:23 PM]:
=))
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:23 PM]:
no attachments..
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:24 PM]:
just like a nobody..no address..i did not know where i will sleep the previous days and don't know where i will sleeping today also...
She [4:24 PM]:
oh ma gawd am gona think and lugh fr a long tim
She [4:24 PM]:
i wil think of u and laugh
She [4:24 PM]:
=))
Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry [4:25 PM]:
now that i got my house key....i am wondering whether i should really use it now..
She [4:25 PM]:
u mean feeloow
She [4:24 PM]:
u r imposible
She [4:24 PM]:
=))
And yes. For the benefit of those who are arround me and thier nasal capablities, It seems like i got to use my key today. So that i get to wear some new clothes..;-)
The way I am going, it seems like it will be increasingly difficult for most folks to relate to me....Wanna differ?

Birthday 'Bash'

2006-04-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we celebrated the Birthday of Arvind 'Kurma' Sharma and Bhoopesh 'Kadiyan' Velusamy. It was great fun as is obvious from the photo. Apart from the familiar faces, joining us was Ranajoy Sanyal(extreme right. Yeah he is a bengali but not a communist...;-)). Let the fun continue....

Trip to Mount Opera

2006-03-27T04:30:00.000-08:00

We went to Mount Opera which is a water-sporting place. It was great fun in the water. :-).
The following are some of the moments...

Btw, how is my shirt? ;-)
Dei Rampoo, in case people write some unconstituitional stuff about my shirt, you got to bail me out. :-D

Rate My Life Quick....

2006-03-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8
Mind:	8.5
Body:	7.3
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	4.3
Love:	3.6
Finance:	8.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis: (My Life Analysis)

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is reasonably high. This means that you are on a good path. Continue doing what is working and set about to improve in areas which continue to lag. Do this starting today and you will begin to reap the benefits immediately. (Read more on improving your life)

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is within a healthy zone. This means you have achieved a level of mental balance and harmony consistent with living a healthy, happy life. Continue doing what works, and keep your focus. In our fast-paced world, mental clutter is all too common. Be vigilant in maintaining healthy mental function. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the mind.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. You have a rather good body score, which is an indication that you take care of yourself. There is room for improvement, however. Please keep doing what works. Eat right, exercise, reduce your stress, treat any illness. Doing these things will help ensure your body will be in good working order for a long time to come. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the body.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is dramatic. Continue on your path, do not stray. Continue to reap the rewards which your spirituality brings forth. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the spirit.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need. Try using MeetUp.com to find people near you who share your interests.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you. Read advice from other quiz-takers on finding and maintaining love.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving your finances.

Samyama Happened.

2006-03-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

My heart swells in gratitude for the universe for Samyama happened.
How close did I get there? How close did i miss it? i care not.
My being cannot comprehend this taste of liberation. Words are too simple to express this joy.
Crap happened in my backyard. No, in my living room.
Yet seemed so far away.
Crap awaits me when i get back to my world. Seems so close. Seems so frightening.
Yet i dance in joy.
Yet i talk so happily to my buddies like a frenzied monkey just let out of a cage. A monkey that has been in a bondage for too long a time and which has tasted the free fall of the wilderness. Had the monkey managed to come of the cage? I don't know. I don't care. But at least i know it can happen.
My body is acting like a suddenly subdued monster. That love from an inexplicable space seems to have tricked the hell of this vehicle.
My mind is acting like it has been suddenly proved like an insufferable idiot. Yet it seems to bask in its own gentle destruction.
My body subdued, my mind numbed, yet something still reigned supreme.
Oh what can i say? Oh what can i say?
Just to be here, i am ready to melt away.
I cannot handle it alone, that divine glance.
Come join this simpleton in this insane dance.
http://www.ishafoundation.org/programs/default.asp?id=6

Some photos..

2006-03-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

A look from the window adjoining my cubicle.
I had not cared to rub my white board for more than 4 months. And this is what i had at the end. Couldn't help capturing this masterpiece before it falls prey to the duster.....

The perfect mirror

2006-02-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

I was listening to this song which comes along with a video CD that has Sadhguru's talk. It was really good listening to this. Especially along with the music.
You are my perfect Mirror. You show me what I am not. Layer by Layer you peel off me. The pain it is ,but the joy it brings. Thank you for showing me what i am not, showing what i could be. Thank you endlessly.
I am sharing this here so that you could also enjoy it. :-)

eppadi irunta naan ippadi ayuthaen

2006-01-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

Eppadi irunta naan ippadi ayuthaen:
Taken by Naresh after a quick Yoga workout. I must say preparation for Samyama is driving all of us nuts. :-) :-)

Bhava Spandana Program

2006-01-04T03:37:00.000-08:00

I feel blessed
For me Bhava Spandana was a very natural possibility. It was the obvious next step. With the kind of changes I can see for myself which were the result of the earlier basic programs, the decision to go for Bhava Spandana was an easy one. Nevertheless, sometimes our life situations are not as uncomplicated as our intuition is. I am guilty of weaving a long almost laughable story to my parents to make BSP happen to me. I was pretty much sure that if I say I am going to an ashram in Coimbatore, the imagination of my parents will run wild and they will not let go of me. When I even utter the word ‘Guru’ all that could be possibly come to their minds are hyper-sexual maniacs who make newspaper-reading such an interesting affair these days. I for a moment don’t blame them. I would have heartily agreed with them had I not got the opportunity to attend these courses from Isha Foundation.
Leaving out the juicy details of how exactly I made the trip to Coimbatore seemed plausible to my parents, I will describe the program itself. First I will describe the Ashram. For anyone who wants to truly understand the beauty of this place, I warmly extend an invitation to come to this place. (Yes I invite you, don’t you realize that I have crossed-over and became one of THEM) It was a truly enchanting sight. The ashram is at the foothills of Veliangiri mountains. When you travel from Coimbatore to the ashram in the bus, you see the fertility of the place. This was the place it seems where nature’s bounty seems to be hidden away from the urbanites. Every shade of green juxtaposing to inspire even the most unmovable soul. Well I came, I went through all the formalities and braced myself for BSP to happen. Before I came here, I have heard lots of people ranting about how BSP moved them to tears blah, blah, blah… Well if you half-expected me to contradict them, then you are on for a terrible disappointment. It sounds hackneyed but when you are through BSP and you sit down before a laptop trying to express BSP in words, it indeed seems an onerous job. Without going to the specifics of the program (whose details I should not disclose), let me explain the aftermath of BSP: I simply could not gaze at any human being like the way I did before I attended BSP. After the program, I am moved to tears even when I look at someone long enough. Idiotic Sentimentality I would have concluded some days ago. It is not that I am crying; it is just that I am so full of acceptance for the other person. So full of joy. It is as if you really felt that the person you are seeing is having a handful of you and you have a handful of him. Insane right? I concur. But I don’t care if this sounds insane to the logical mind. This gives me so much joy and makes a lot of stuff so effortless. Let me quote Sadhguru here: “I want you to stop looking up for divinity and start looking at yourself and revere it as the Divine.” How can a person act irresponsible to him when he truly tastes his divine nature? I think it is little difficult for him to do that. That is you cannot but do good to yourself if you really feel that you are a part of something divine. Similarly you can’t do anything stupid to some other person when in your experience you feel that what is you is not very different from what is him. Preaching morality to such people is an exercise in futility. I could not have spent 3 days any better. I don’t know how much of my experience I can share in this forum. But I must see to it that one experience is shared. During one of the days when we were supposed to do a certain thing, I felt something that I never felt before. I don’t know how to call it. But I can tell you one thing: Whatever I felt in those moments strengthened my resolve to continue in the direction I am walking. In some ways I needed this reinforcement to continue in the path that I have chosen. In some ways I was in fact hoping that something like this would happen.
My most humble gratitude to Swami Charan and Swami Raja. For me these Isha yoga teachers are really God-send. They seem to be like any other person off the field; but once they take the stance of a teacher, they command an almost insurmountable love and respect from me. I am unable to see their own individuality. I am able to only perceive Sadhguru’s presence and hear Sadhguru’s words from them. For me they represent Sadhguru as much as Sadhguru himself.
When the program ended, I made my first phone call in 3 days to my parents. When I actually reached home, I could not but marvel at how I had carried myself. If I am been my old self, all hell would have broken loose. I watched in amazement at how coolly and effectively I tried to explain away one of the craziest things I have done in my life.
I am doing what Ramasamy once did:
I once again invite all of you to allow yourself touched by this Grace. You need not conform to any belief. You can be a complete skeptic and attend the first Isha Yoga program. In fact I know a lot of people who are reading this might want to prove what I am doing is bullshit. I heartily invite these Catholics or whoever they are to prove me wrong. But first they have to Isha Yoga program to know what it is before they start any debate. It is my hope that this Grace will touch you too.

America

2005-12-05T02:36:00.000-08:00

/*
This post was written shortly after i arrived from the US concluding my month long stay there as a part of my work.
*/
Hyderabad-Chennai-Singapore-Tokyo-Los Angeles-Seattle-Redmond-Seattle-San
Francisco-Hong Kong-Singapore-Chennai-Hyderabad.

This was the snowqualime falls. Seen here are Prem Arora, Sataej Sirur and Me.

This was on the way to the top of Mount Si. Seen here are: Shashank bansal, Prem Arora, Ranajoy Sanyal and Me.

When i was about to board my plane back to India. I stopped for a moment and took stock of it all. Oh, how can I say what i feel right now. It is such a dilemma. Such a conundrum. As I was about to aboard my flight to back home and I don't know what I was feeling. Maybe this was the only time that I had some moments to contemplate on the new land I was in. While the first impression that I had when I landed in America was simply a one of awe. I was particularly awed by their infrastructural developments. This was my first flight trip to outside India. I took a very long way to Seattle. My flight started at Hyderabad on it way I had to stop at the following cities: Chennai, Singapore, Tokyo, Los Angeles and finally Seattle. Going to America was a dream come true for me. I was always obsessed with this country. At any point of time I had my list of obsessions. It ranged from Walkman's when I was in School, Growing long hair when I was in college (and the obsession continues till date), electronics etc. Even though it may not sound good, I react to most of these obsessions by yielding to it. If there was one unsatisfied obsession that I harbored for too long a time, it was America. The country of America has always fascinated me. A country which I had always read about. The one country which stands for Capitalism, globalization, Free trade and all the other jargon which people love to hate. A country so young that there is no identity of being an American. You can be an African, Asian, White whatever, and still call yourself an American. Also what thoroughly fascinated me is the fact that even such a seemingly great country have such poor leaders. Going to America has certainly helped me to come handle my obsession about America. Leaving the philosophies aside for a moment, let me go over to my journey. LA was looking like a PCB (Printed Circuit board) when looking from the aircraft. I could not but gasp at the seemingly chaotic network of roads. When I landed at LA, I was invited by a bevy of security personnel, who were doing everything from taking my fingerprints, to taking a picture of me. Showing my Microsoft ID helped a little. They keep asking me the same old set of questions: What is the purpose of your visit? How long will you stay at America? etc,etc. With my long unkempt hair, appearance and my Asian looks, It seems like I was looking like a likely PMD (Person of Mass Destruction J). Other people coming with their family were exempt from such interrogation. But i did not complain. In fact they were justified: With 36 hours of non-stop travel, I was thoroughly jet-lagged and by the looks of it, it could have as well walked away from a Taliban hideout in Afghanistan. I let them do their job. (As if I had choice) Finally I went to the real America, outside the Airport and took my flight to my final destination, Seattle. Seattle was less imposing a city. Mt.Rainier overlooked the city of Seattle like an old sentinel, whitened by age, keeping watch over his people. The land transportation in America is so good. Everything is smart, fast and cute. Well talking about smart, cute and fast, I got my first Chevy. During my stay at Redmond, I drove a white Chevrolet Classic. It was an awesome car. Back in Chennai, I was used to the feel of the good old Maruti 800. So handling the monstrous Chevy was pretty awesome. The one thing I really liked about America is the freedom of expression you have. It is one FREE country. Well the more interesting fact is that most people exercise their freedom. Let me give you an example: You have people having placards outside their house proclaiming: “Bush is an A**hole”, “Stop the war”, etc. My stay at Redmond was very short but I was very busy all the time. The only time I really went out was the weekends. Every weekend we used to go to some trail, trek etc. It was physically very challenging to go through the different trails. The best trail we went was of course the ones at Mt.Rainier. It was beautiful. Apart from the trails and the treks, if there was something remarkable about the trip, it would be those late-night discussions we had with Satej, Ranajoy and any other occasional gatecrasher who could not sleep as he felt lonely. It was in circumstances like these where you are far away from your family and everything you know, that you realize the simple and profound joy of good company. We talked about our dreams, our latest obsessions and our thoughts about life, love etc. As my trip came to close, I finally had some time to look think about the country that I had visited. As I said, It would be incorrect to say that my feeling was mixed. The feeling of going home was one of unequivocal happiness. And the moment I was in my mother’s arms at Chennai Airport, I knew I was home.
Chennai was in the midst of seasonal rains. Unlike what was told to me, I did not experience any kind of uneasiness to settle into the polluted airs of an Indian city after staying in the relatively cleaner American cities. But the difference was striking. As I was traveling around the city in the metropolitan buses, the difference was even more evident. As the rains was lashing the city, I could see the city’s existing infrastructure crumbling. Buses breaking down in the middle of an important road. Passengers from that bus scattered around in the road. Other buses roaring past the stranded passengers as they were already crowded three times over their actual capacity. So on and so forth… Watching the unnecessary pain to which the people were put into, after seeing what is possible, pained me. It was as if we are so knee-deep into this infrastructural backwardness, that It simply stopped to astound you anymore. At one point of time, it was simply amazing to just see the city pull on for one more day. The people of Chennai facing one more dawn. As they get ready to go to their work all washed up and powdered. Standing in the morning sun under the dilapidated bus stand drenched in their own sweat. Steering clear of the muddy water which is splashed onto the footpath when an occasional vehicle runs over a occasional bump. It is mind-blowing to think of what the city and its people can do if these unnecessary troubles are healed. I really hope that in the coming years, the government delivers what the people deserve.
The practical side apart, this was the best time of the year in Chennai to pamper your bibliomaniacal side. There is nothing like settling into a Michael Cricthon on a rainy morning in Chennai. Basking in the warm sun, under the overcast sky shortly after breakfast. Talk endlessly with your aunt about your latest adventure. Discussing politics as we watch the news during the mid day. Watching a vintage Mani Ratnam movie, after the meal. Go for an evening stroll in a nearby park as the sun goes for its daily siesta. For all its problems, I still love this city. J

Sadhguru speaks

2005-11-24T01:09:00.000-08:00

http://mysorean.blogspot.com/2005/09/sadhguru-jaggi-vasudev-speaks.html

The Lost World - Michael Cricthon

2005-11-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

On the day of Ramzan, I finally had the time to finish off reading ‘The Lost World’ written by Michael Crichton. This was a classic Crichton novel. And like all Crichtons’ classics, I loved it. It was really endearing to read from an author seems to know what he is talking about. And the good thing about ‘The Lost World’ is that it is devoid of the jargon which accompanies the later works of Crichton. Like ’Timeline’. ’The Lost World’ is relatively more amenable to your logical mind and more acceptable in its speculations. Lots of serious philosophy in this one. In fact towards the end you get the feeling that the author is questioning the whole pursuit of science itself. What is glorified in one generation is ridiculed by the next and so on and so forth. The characterization for this novel has been especially awesome. The iconoclastic Ian Malcolm, the eccentric Richard Levine, the sensible Thorne and the lovable Eddie. Each of them having their distinct personalities. It was especially enjoyable to read about their interactions. Though all of these above mentioned characters are on the same side of morality, it was so easy to see how each one of them complemented and sometimes frustrated the others. And as with all the Cricthton’s works, there is that characteristic villain who misuses science for the wrong purposes and who dies a horrible death in the end. Reading a fast-paced Michael Crichton on a cold November morning in Hyderabad on what is a weekday-holiday is indeed a bibliomaniacs’ paradise.

What is that I want from life?

2005-11-21T01:29:00.000-08:00

/*
This Post was written some three months ago when i returned from Redmond. This was lying on my laptop and i hoped that i could upload it once i get my BSNL broadband connection. But seems BSNL folks are in no hurry to get me hooked up. So this is what i did: poked my iPod into my laptop bought it to office, poked it to my dev machine and uploaded it.
*/
The last few days, I have re-kindled that Fire. I don’t know where I am headed. But I do know one thing: I know why I am headed wherever I am heading. It seems a natural part of me to acquire good things and if possible better things. My whole life energy is concerned with enlarging itself. I guess everyone of us has seen this megalomaniacal side of the self. It is not content with the status quo. It always strives for something more magnificent. It is the undeniable force behind every human life. Everything that we do consciously is based on this: We study well at school to get to a good college. We study well in college to get to a good company. We work well in the company to get better money. Etc. Seen in this perspective, life is just one long relentless search for the next bigger, better thing. I guess a lot of people have identified this relentless human pursuit and have responded with different notions:
1) Some people out rightly reject this pursuit as being evil. “All Desire is evil”.
2) There is an other class of people who claim that “Destination is important, but we must enjoy the journey”. This is getting fashionable these times.
I am not here to justify/vilify the above two reactions. But deep down inside, I have a feeling, a fear that either of them is incomplete. If all desire is evil, then our only desire is not to have any desire. Isn’t that a desire as well? Saying “Desire is evil” is a sure sign of vegetation. If the destination is important, then at the end of a long fruitless journey, can one feel truly joyous? Going to Isha foundation’s class either as a participant or as a volunteer, I have been opened to a new possibility. Their simple claim is why should happiness be mortgaged to some external situation? If my happiness depends on some external situation like: Whether my build will succeed tonight? Whether my manager gives me the maximum performance bonus? Whether my lover reciprocate?, then in reality I am not in control of my own happiness. We have put an unnecessary precondition on our happiness. Happiness they claim is an inner experience and does not lie in the external situation. If this in indeed the case, they only ask us why do you shackle your capacity to be happy on some other thing. This was the very profound question that I was put into. The logic was inescapable. The truth is I am happy as long as the world is in the way I want to be. If it is any otherwise, then I am unhappy. It also means that I have unconsciously threw the remote control for my happiness into some external entity/entities when I could have had it myself. Turned on all the time. The immediate question which comes to our mind now is if you are happy about everything, that means you have settled for less in the materialistic reality. The answer they gave us was simply awesome. Let us say right now there is a situation which is not perfect. The fact is right now this moment is inevitable. We cannot think about this moment. We cannot grieve about this moment. We can only live this moment. The thing is we have a choice: we can live this moment happily or unhappily. If we live every moment of our lives in this manner, then not only are we happy but we are also effective in dealing with the less-than-perfect situation. Wow!
Love:
The talk about love was a very enriching experience indeed. First Love is not about someone or something. When we talk about love, the thing which immediately comes to our mind is our near kith and kin. The reality being love is an inner experience. Human beings have a capacity to love. The problem they claim is that to experience this feeling of love, we need keys. We have constructed an artificial lock on our capacity to love. The keys to unlock our love has materialized in the form of mother, father, husband, wife etc. This is in spite of the fact that there need not be any locks nor any keys. Love is just the natural way of being. In fact they go to the extent of saying that identifying yourself with every other person and with universe is divinity itself.
I don’t know how I can express my gratitude to Swami Lokanetra who handled one of these courses. I have not been with him for more than 20 days, but I can see him changing my life. Initially I was very distant from him. I went to his discourses wearing denims that I had not washed for days. While he was dressed in white kurta which was impeccably clean. There could not be two people who are more different at least externally. As days passed by, as he captivated me with his spell of discourses, I began to get friendly. But as time moved on, there was not much to talk about. He was a Guru and I would be doing myself a favor by practicing what he taught. This kind of respect breeds reserve. But the feeling of meeting him again last week has been a very heart-warming experience. At the same time, I had shame written all over my face as I had not done the practices during my stay at Redmond.
As I said I have consciously started a journey whose destination I don’t fully comprehend fully yet. And it is taking me places. To say the least.

How to do the right thing effortlessly?

2005-11-21T01:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I felt that I was not organized enough to handle my life. I forget settling my AMEX bill, my cellphone bill etc. I was wondering whether if it is possible to live in a state where you do the right thing every time effortlessly. Sometimes when I look back upon my own life, I hate to admit it, I get a unholy feeling that my life is just a random happening without any control. If I really look into my life deep enough it is only sane to conclude that that every thing that happens to me either good or bad seems to have a element of randomness. When I talk about an element of randomness, it is not necessarily an external event. Sometimes I feel my own judgments, emotions and the actions I take in a particular environment are fairly unpredictable. The really scary part was that since life is happening randomly, so is our happiness. As long as our happiness is tied to the external or internal life situations, our happiness can get only as random as our lives itself. At least that’s true for me. Sometimes I plan to do something and at the moment of decision or action, the same old feeling of ‘Can do it tomorrow’ comes and there goes my discipline down the drain. When I look at some of my friends who are I have to admit in more control of their lives, I cannot but feel jealous.
It was in this introspective mood that I was reading through the chapter on Karma Yoga from the Bhagavat Gita.
“One who neither hates nor desires the fruits of his activities is known to be always renounced. Such a person, free from all dualities, easily overcomes material bondage and is completely liberated, O mighty-armed Arjuna. “
“A person in the divine consciousness, although engaged in seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, Eating, moving about, sleeping and breathing, always knows within himself that he actually does nothing at all. Because while speaking, evacuating, receiving or opening or closing his eyes, he always knows that only the material senses are engaged with their objects and that he is aloof from them”
“A person who neither rejoices upon achieving something pleasant nor laments upon obtaining something unpleasant, who is self-intelligent, who is unbewildered, and who knows the science of God, is already situated in transcendence.”
I must say that the above lines are as enlightening as they are frightening me. But what I do feel convincingly is that this is the answer to the question: How can one ever take the right action every time effortlessly. Though I know the solution I don’t know if I can implement it. But for now, allow me to bask in the glory of the solution.
The reason why I felt so much effort in doing some things is that I have unconsciously classified the activities that I perform into ones that give me joy and the ones that give me boredom. It is this attachment to the activities that give me joy that I found it effortful to perform those necessary actions which happen to get classified as boring. I know I am using a discourse which is about the lofty problem of Self-Realization for solving my less-than-divine problem of procrastination. But still I feel that the argument holds: Remove your attachments, stop classifying the world around you as good and bad and you will feel that life cannot touch you. You can float around your day effortlessly doing what is required without effort and without expectation. This is indeed what was understood by me during the discourse at Isha Yoga program. This is path of Karma Yoga.

Some shameless self propaganda

2005-10-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

Been long since i have blogged. Ok, enough of modesty: I feature in the latest microsoft india website: http://www.microsoft.com/india/indiadev/careers_jobs.aspx http://www.microsoft.com/india/indiadev/lifestyle_greatplace.aspx
http://www.microsoft.com/india/indiadev/ourwork.aspx
Click the link before the photo is changed!!!

Microsoft Office. (The-bricks-and-concrete one)

2005-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Microsoft Art Collection:

Building 27:

Thanks to Satej Sirur for his Photos. :-)

Celebrating JP's birthday.

2005-07-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

JP's birthday:
For Jayaprakash Narayanan's (JP) Birthday, we decided to cook some food and enjoy ourselves. This was of course only to give us enough strength so that we could bless JP with some good B-Day bumps.

My Cubicle. (Contd)

2005-05-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

Some reality-check....

My Cubicle.

2005-05-16T03:31:00.000-07:00

My Cubicle at Microsoft.

Me with My Brother Anand and Anni.

2005-05-16T03:06:00.001-07:00

At Eat Street with Anand and Alma.

Is this another passing fad…?

2005-04-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

Last week has been an important one for me. Ramasamy and I decided to attend an initiation workshop by Sadhguru Jaggi of the Isha Foundation. I decided for this one solely based on the fact that our friend Bhoopesh strongly suggested that we go for it.
Sometime ago while setting up my homepage, I wrote this piece on religion and spirituality. In lots of ways, I feel very proud that I wrote it. This is not because I feel I have realized the loftiest position in spirituality but because I feel that the article perfectly describes the mindset and attitude that was hovering over my mind. I had somehow transliterated my thoughts and confusion to words. Somehow whenever I reread those sentences, I feel “This is me. Uncensored”. Though I feel proud about my principles, the fact is that I still feel that life was one hi-speed highway for an unknown destination. Though this had bothered me for a while, the rat race had got me into some sort of a reverie where I unconsciously blinded my senses so that the confusion is subdued for sometime. (You must see my waist line these days.. ;-)) I had the privilege of having someone who shares my confusion in the same place as I live in and who works in the same place as I work. It was with this mindset that I went to the workshop. To be really candid, I went to the workshop with a mind of a pure skeptic.
Though I never try to make an overwhelming effort to conform to a sect, this guy Jaggi has done something over me. Most of what he had said in those days somehow appeared to be natural to me. I know I risk appearing stupid but still I must say that most of what he said I already believed. It is just that I had unconsciously ignored those mild spiritual urges. The whole workshop essentially reduced to a simple exercise and a series of question-answers. These are my favourite stuff from Jaggi. (I must say this guy has an awesome gift of eloquence.)
This was something which I wanted to ask him. I had the privilege to ask him the following question face-to-face: (Please note that what i mention in the following words are my interpretation of what Jaggi said. I don't claim that this is what he had intended.)
Why there is something called morality? Is there any fundamentality in morality? Is there a minimal set of moral principles which every human (irrespective of his religion) is bound to? Or is morality just whims and fancies of each culture?To this Jaggi replied: Morality is an invention of the society to have social order. There is nothing like fundamental moral principles. What is moral in one culture is immoral in another. In Jaggi’s terms, morality means the act of doing everything each of whose consequences you are able to face with joy. It is just disguised self-interest. (Ayn Rand’s followers rejoice! Though you must clarify what self means in the subsequent paragraphs. ;-)). Jaggi previously said that a guru ethymyologically means “someone who dispels darkness of the mind”. I realized that Jaggi was indeed a Guru. A great one at that.
Jaggi also asked each one of us to cultivate the mantra of limitless responsibility. That is one must identify himself with every other person in the world. Though I feel this is such an intuitive thing, I am still trying to be limitlessly responsible… (Ah…Implementation always sucks!)
One more thing that we explicitly asked Jaggi was the purpose in our lives. To this Jaggi gave us a slightly veiled answer. He told us that when we are mature enough, we will one day realize that life onto itself is a compelling purpose. The significance of the above sentence still evades me. But I am striving….
What awed us thoroughly was how well this guy carried himself with so much poise and elegant humour. There were a lot of people who wanted supernatural powers, clairvoyance ad nauseam. And of course there were those people who simply wanted to look enigmatic and complicated. Jaggi gave each person a subtle snub, some of which had us rolling with laughter. I will end this article with an irony: When the workshop had just started Jaggi asked each one of us to introduce ourselves, this is what I said: “This is Anto. I work for a software company (Thank god I did not say the name of the company. The machine which was used to project a movie crashed a couple of time. The machine was inevitably running on Windows. :-(). Contemporary religion did not appeal to me. I like writing. God has blessed me with a good body so I did not come for anything physical”. And at the end of the workshop the one thing that I felt with so much painful obviousness was that my body, the way it has become, has a long way to go before it can lodge a blissful sprit.
That was one awesome weekend. What a leap from indulgence…..

Yet an another indulgent Hyderabadi weekend.

2005-04-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

The last Friday was a revelation of sorts. Of one of other mails which I got on that fateful morning (1/04/2005) was a mail from our senior at Microsoft. She was not exactly from Anna University but was from PSG tech and she belonged to the Tamil Clique at Microsoft Hyderabad. The two line mail casually informed us that she is getting married on 22nd of April to our senior Balachandar who was also working at our company. We knew both of these people for the last one year and suddenly comes a bolt out of the blue. They had put this information in the closet for so long a time.
When I got this mail, I completely forgot about all my work and was ruminating the suddenness of it all… To make sure that I was not made an April fool, I conf-called Ramasamy and Shiv Shankar. Once convinced about the veracity of the news we took off to Bala’s office and pestered him to death on why we were informed so late in the game.
Our inspiring seniors (Ashwin et all) then organized a Saturday night party at his house. Incidentally Ashwin shares his house with Bala along with Chandi. First we decided to verbally screw the pair. We wanted to hear a love story and I might as well say we got one. We had a wholesome Chicken Biryani followed by a serving of Lassi prepared by Harini. After this, we watched a telugu film Okkadu. When the film ended it was past 2.30 in the morning. It was then that we (Ramasamy, Arun and me) decided that it was a good idea to go home. Meanwhile Raghu decided to bail out earlier (sometime around 10.30) to Naresh’s house. And go home we did feeling happy about Jenny and Bala.
It felt good to see your friends falling in love getting settled. :-)
Here was the eventful mail thread on that Friday:

From: Jenny Snehalatha
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 5:15 PM
To: Subu Subramanian; Yamini J; Arvind Sharma; Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

we are indeep planning a get together after marriage. Hold on till we anounce the dates.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Subu Subramanian
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 5:09 PM
To: Yamini J; Arvind Sharma; Jenny Snehalatha; Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

When we are on this – how many of you vote for a party on this??
Hoisted and paid by balap and jennysn of course.
Thanks,

-Subu

PM | SFU | MSFT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Yamini J
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 5:08 PM
To: Subu Subramanian; Arvind Sharma; Jenny Snehalatha; Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Ha Ha Ha!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Subu Subramanian
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 5:05 PM
To: Arvind Sharma; Jenny Snehalatha; Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Knowing Bala, I don’t understand why you all are amazed by Jenny’s statement.
But one thing for sure – don’t ever let your prospective wife meet this couple. J
And let us all pray for the guys who are going to marry the girls in this groupJJ
Thanks,
-Subu

PM | SFU | MSFT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Arvind Sharma
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 5:02 PM
To: Jenny Snehalatha; Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Indian economic policy statement couldn’t have been clearer than this as to what the organizational structures are going to beJ.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jenny Snehalatha
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 4:53 PM
To: Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Bala is not going to respond :) . Direct all your queries personally to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ramasamy Pullappan
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 4:34 PM
To: Ramasamy Pullappan; Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC)
Cc: TamTechie Group; Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Nine replies to the mail.

Still not a single word from Bala.
COME ON BALA….

We would like to hear from you (this dialog couldn’t have been more appropriateJ)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ramasamy Pullappan
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 4:28 PM
To: Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK); Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC)
Cc: TamTechie Group; Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

It would have been more appropriate for Jenny to have given ‘halwa’ instead of laddu J [this applies specifically to those who went through a bout of coma after seeing jenny’s mail]
Great going Bala and Jenny!!!
Dumbstruck,

Ram.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK)
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 4:11 PM
To: Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC)
Cc: TamTechie Group; Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office
Importance: Low

To answer the calls about why I chose to compare Bala with Sachin tendulkar,

One of the things that I like very much about Sachin is that when he gets hit by the ball on the helmet or anywhere for that matter, he never displays any sign of being hit/attacked etc.. He will be normal as if nothing happened..will casually look around etc.. This is to make sure that his confidence doesn’t go down and more importantly the bowler’s(or opponent team’s) confidence doesn’t go up etc!!

Bala evalo vaati kanna pinnanu Ara vaangirupaan, evalo vaati avan mela kaaari thupirupaanga… Did he ever show signs of these to others ?? He was always found smiling as if nothing happened ... People always thought that the swelling seen on the face often(during the initial phases), were because bala was happy about something…(the underground story was not published then J ) .. He started showing signs of success quite early in the process.. He just wouldn’t give up !!..

With luv

Ashwin
Ps :

All disclaimers attached.. Please don’t read this mail, if you find this offensive. (or inappropriate)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ashwin Raja (VJ#SDK)
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:49 PM
To: Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC)
Cc: TamTechie Group; Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Anto, You are booked with bala ?? kekavae kevalama iruku.. (J, forgive me..)
And Arun, you are just now learning how to hold a bat and you want Sachin tendulkar as a coach ??? Try lower level mentors first and overtime you might get a chance to talk to Bala, someday.
With luv

Ashwin

Ps :

All disclaimers attached J
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:42 PM
To: Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC); Balachandar P
Cc: TamTechie Group
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Naan than firstu.
I am already booked with Bala.
U might want to try with Jenny…

Thanks,

A.J.Anto

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Arun Kalaiselvan (WINSE-IDC)
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:39 PM
To: Balachandar P
Cc: TamTechie Group
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Bala,
I plan to join Microsoft Mentor Program. I plan to register as Mentee. Will you be my mentorJ?
Thanks,

Arun

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Arvind Sharma
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:31 PM
To: Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry; Jenny Snehalatha; Balachandar P
Cc: TamTechie Group
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Let it be known to everyone concerned that henceforth Balachandar P alias balap will be called "The Mastermind" and will be the official guru for the Tamtechie Group, helping other people out in route clearance strategiesJJJ.
Regards,
Arvind Sharma.

SDET-WinSE
Microsoft India.
_____________________________________________
From: Anto Anthony Muthu Joseph Henry
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:27 PM
To: Jenny Snehalatha; Balachandar P
Cc: TamTechie Group
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Bala Anna, Not even a month passed by since your route got cleared.
Neenga Charminar Super fast express uda fasta irukikgae…………. ;-)
Thanks,
A.J.Anto

_____________________________________________
From: Subu Subramanian
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:20 PM
To: Subu Subramanian; TamTechie Group
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Jenny,
Again – my usual kind of confusion creationJ …
Getting married with Balachandar on 22nd April 05.
Does this mean,
1. you and bala are getting married to each other
2. you and bala are getting married on the same day to different pplJ
Thanks,
-Subu

PM | SFU | MSFT
_____________________________________________
From: Subu Subramanian
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 3:04 PM
To: Anna Members
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: RE: Sweets in my office

Bala, Can we tell / talk about this at least now??? JJJ
Congrats both of you.
Thanks,
-Subu

PM | SFU | MSFT
_____________________________________________
From: Jenny Snehalatha
Sent: Friday, April 01, 2005 2:57 PM
To: Krishna Natarajan; Sudhakar N; TamTechie Group; Kapil Malhotra; Vijayalakshmi Ramkumar; Prabhu Jegannathan (Intl Vendor); Neeraja Reddy; Manisha Powar; Nagaraj Patil; Balaji Hariharan; Swarup Agrawal; Rajiv Kumar; Celina Joseph (A1 Manpower Services); Asim Mitra; Aruna Somendra (KOKA); Sushil Kumar; Rita Elizabeth (ManPower); Devi J V
Cc: Balachandar P
Subject: Sweets in my office

Getting married with Balachandar on 22nd April 05.
Regards

Jenny

Windows Server 2003 SP1 ships.

2005-04-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

Next stop it is Longhorn Client!
Now I can spend my full time on LH. :-) :-) :-)

LinuxWorld | Father of Java chides open source developer community

2005-03-07T01:41:00.000-08:00

Yup this is what i was talking about.

Black

2005-02-23T03:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to watch yet another meaningful movie. It was a beautiful Saturday evening on which we (Naresh, Ramasamy, Janani, Arvind Sharma, Parthiban, Anbu and me) decided to watch this epic movie. The adjective in the previous sentence should rightfully set the tone for the review of the movie which follows.
Black is a movie about how a blind, deaf and dumb girl, Mitchell (Rani Mukerjee) faces the life which looms before her. She does this with the help of an old alcoholic teacher John (Ambitabh Bachan). The film essentially reduces to the glorification of the relationship between the teacher and the student.
John’s attitude towards his student is captured most accurately. Mitchell’s parents in their guilt, allow her to run crazy in the house and tolerate her inappropriateness on the grounds of her disability. The way John’s love and respect for Mitchell is shown when he refuses to overlook her indiscipline in spite of her special ness was awesome. That was the way the director showed the difference between the two loves of which one stands loftier. I am sure I experienced only a part of the movie as I clearly missed out those metaphorical Hindi dialogues.
The realism in the movie stands out as clearly as the brilliance in the screenplay. The pressure that a disabled (or rather differently-abled) child brings to the household is shown impeccably. First the inability to accept the reality on the part of the father and then the sibling rivalry which Mitchell elicits is shown as realistically as possible. What is good about it is the fact that there is no finger-pointing here. All the failings of the family members are treated as naturally as possible. The cinematographer has held us spellbound in those moments of vivid imagery.
The film was obviously ‘inspired’ from the Academy-award picture “The Miracle Worker” which originally depicted the life of Helen Keller. From what I have read about the original movie, I must say that the director, at the cost of losing his claim to originality, has done a good job. The director deserves credit for the simple act of courage when he decided to take such an offbeat movie in Hindi. I would have been more appreciative of the director had he openly acknowledged that he was remaking the earlier film “The Miracle Worker”. Or atleast he should have said that the protaganist was inspired from Helen Keller. He did neither to the best of my knowledge. Am i asking too much from Indian cineama? ;-)
It is my opinion that it is simply impossible to understand the world of these special people. Tactility defines their worlds. I cannot comprehend the enormity of task which lies before the teachers. They are indeed miracle workers, magicians and what not. As I was heading home in a car, I am guilty of pitying these special people. I was contemplating on how they would never see the harmony of green, the purity of white and the enigma of the blue. I doubt if they realize the strength of black because how will you ever define black when u haven’t seen white. A world which is silent and dark. And sometimes cold because of the world which refuses to accept them in a way they are.
Warning: Rhetoric Ahead.
I am not glorifying their disability but I guess these special people are made the way they are for some special reasons. Perhaps we need these people amongst us to remind us what we are blessed with. By the way when was the last time we sat in the park bench under a swishing tree enjoying the mellow afternoon sky. Life as John says is like an ice-cream. We should enjoy it till it melts away. We need these people, these beacons of hope to inspire the world that has grown too busy creating its own problems. And here comes the most poignant one. Most of us define the world through our senses. It is a possibility that Reality may not be described in these sensual terms alone. And it is these special people who have the gift to uncover the non-sensual aspect of the reality. (Not that it helps) Perhaps (like what the Matrix says) we are all fooled by our senses and these special ones are the ones who know the real world.

News - Diana Griego Erwin: iBook, iPod, iWork, oh my! A PC girl finds herself lost at Macworld - sacbee.com

2005-01-13T06:27:00.000-08:00

News - Diana Griego Erwin: iBook, iPod, iWork, oh my! A PC girl finds herself lost at Macworld - sacbee.com:
A cult-reborn striving for critical mass.
I would like to think of it as: The world gets some distraction from Linux.......

Join me in the DHCP Chat

2005-01-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
My team which is involved in the development of DHCP service is preparing for a upcoming chat session titled: Configuring and Deploying DHCP with Windows Server 2003, Part 3.
Join us on January 20, 2005 to discuss tips, techniques and best practices to Configure and Deploy DHCP with Windows Server 2003. This is your chance to talk about your problems and experiences in deploying DHCP in your Microsoft Windows Networking Environment. Share with us what you like to see improved.
We are dying to hear from our customers!
Time: (January 20, 2005, 10:00 - 11:00 A.M. Pacific Time)
Link: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/community/chats/default.mspx
Enter the chat room: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/community/chats/chatroom.aspx
Update your calendar: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/downloads/vcs/05_Jan20_TN_DHCP_03.ics

Anne Tyler’s Saint Maybe

2005-01-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, what a pleasant break from the bohemia. Sometimes, there are times when you read too much literature that is way too offbeat, that there seems some convention in being unconventional. It was probably in those times that I opened the first page of this novel “Saint Maybe”. This one is a pretty straight forward novel which can keep you occupied for say three days. The prose and the print were making reading very enjoyable. It was what I call a breezy read. Before long, you see that all the characters, of which there aren’t, many, sink into you. It is one of those few novels which glorifies that ubiquitous institution called family. There are no high-tech plots. No body is trying to save the world here. The stakes are few. The whole drama unfolds and blossoms in the microcosm of a simple ordinary family. It is great that I happen to read this novel while spending my Christmas vacation back with my family in Chennai. Cos’ that’s what it is: a highly christmasy novel. Don’t ask me what ‘chrismasy’. You probably know about it: family, church, friends and the glorification of the bourgeoisie. Nevertheless, it was certainly very warm to go through this novel.

Irving Stone’s Depths of Glory

2005-01-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

‘Depths of Glory’ is a biographical novel of the impressionist painter Camille Pissario. The best thing I liked about the novel was its lyrical and poetic narrative. The beauty in the prose is peered in its strength only by the fierce resolve evoked by one man living his life out in a way he wanted. And if the story is accurate, it indeed qualifies as a reference book for those interested in 19th century art life. Don’t get turned off by this seemingly academic tone I have set for this review. It is not just about painting. It has everything that has ever beleaguered the artist. Passion, Awe for nature, Grit, Iconoclasm, Comradeship and last but not the least Love.
In one simple sentence the work celebrates the work and life of Camille Pissario. Camille was the vanguard of a new artistic movement, which was brewing in the mid-19th century, called Impressionism. Impressionist artists were dissatisfied with the existing art form which drew heavily upon historical, biblical and political themes. The Impressionist painters found their inspiration in Nature. They defined painting as brushing down their impressions which they had when they were first moved by the motif. Hence the name. The novel talks ruggedly about how this group of mavericks turned the art world upside down. Each colourful member in this iconoclastic group was portrayed beautifully by the author. He has caught the eccentricities of each one of them so vividly.
The descriptions of the paintings as Camille paints them are delightful as well. The novelist in fact seems to have made a serious effort to capture in text what the painter has tried to capture in his canvas. You can judge this after digesting the fact that it has prompted me, who am quite alien to the fact that you can find joy in the beauty of an Orchard bloom caught in the canvas, to search for Camille’s celebrated paintings in the Internet.

To cut short a long summary, here is what our Camille Pissario did:
Decided to become a painter alienating his family entrenched in trade.
Alienates his family even more by falling in love with the family servant girl.
Being a Jew alienated his religion by his act of marriage to the Catholic servant, Julie.
Alienates the art world by painting nature and more than a proportionate number of nude models, thus defying the status quo.

What you have in the end is one heck of an iconoclast, one explosive movement and what is inevitable in these circumstances: one floundering family.

What I also liked about the novel is the fact that it was extremely realistic. It was not painting the picture of the idealized bohemian life like the ones which people like to read. Rather it describes in the most mind-numbing detail, the pain and challenges that come along with being who you really are. The way Camille’s family pulled it all off is also described heroically.
It would be a great injustice to the novel and to Camille himself if I forget to glorify the love between Camille and Julie. What started as a painting assignment in a run-down servant quarters blossomed into a strong-willed love any man would die for. Julie is portrayed as an extremely docile creature given in to her husband’s almost futile determination to prove himself to the world. She puts up with all the travail that comes up with marrying a half-insane artist whose income is not enough to replenish his oil and canvas supplies. Even then, she occasionally in the most subtle ways prompts him of the obvious reality.
The novel culminates with the society finally maturing enough to appreciate Camille’s work. It is different from the usual happy-endings in the sense that the protagonist did not perform one ultimate artistic leap to get himself recognized. It is the society rather which had taken that leap.

The following are some selected sentences which moved me:

Painting, art in general enchants me. It’s my life. Nothing else matters. When you put all your soul into a work, all that is noble in you, you cannot fail to find a kindred spirit who understands you, and you do not need a host of such spirits.

They were a superbly matched couple but grimly determined not to acknowledge it, both frightened by their attraction, held apart by a mutual horror of intimacy.

He wants the ‘Legion of Honor’. The little red ribbon in his buttonhole. That’s more important to him than good painting. What he doesn’t understand is that the little ribbon in his buttonhole will rot with the rest of him in the coffin, while good art is indestructible.

Pisarrio, you don’t believe in proper God. He takes good care of fools, children and artists.

I don’t know which is worse, being hungry when you are here or being lonely when you are gone.

It was an endless journey home. When he burst into the house, ran through the rooms to the kitchen, he found Julie resignedly peeling potatoes. An explosion of thankfulness burst through his lungs. He took her in his arms, wept in relief, strong broken phrases of how much he loved her.

As I told Cezane, Do not attempt to convince your peers, the next generation will understand you. We only have to survive.

He turned away from his easel, from his window overlooking the universe, a tiny smile at the corner of his lips, his dark eyes gleaming with the memories of the decades of struggle of his impressionist confreres.

Happy are those who see beauty in the modest spots where others see nothing. Everything is beautiful; the whole secret lies in knowing how to interpret.

With novels like “The Da-Vinci Code” getting hysterical attention these days, one must not relinquish the simple joys of poetic sensitivity.
I generally don’t like to talk about the not-so-good things about any work; nevertheless, I give it to: The novel is really looooong. Sometimes the cycle of acceptance and then the fall from grace is almost monotonous. This is probably because the author wanted to write an authentic account of his life history. Also, the abject poverty is described at least once in every chapter that you seem so sober in the end of it all. It will certainly make a great read especially after you have being pounded upon by those fast-paced novels whose authors claim that they have done a through and a comprehensive research on the subject. I guess you know what I am talking about…. ;-)

When a big tree tree falls….

2004-12-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Let me begin with a frank question. How many of you ever knew that something bad happened in 1984. I did not until yesterday. If you did know about this then you will have to excuse the naiveté of your shameless friend other wise read on.
In the October of 1984, the then prime minister of India, Mrs Indira Gandhi was assassinated by her own Sikh bodyguards for being stern on Sikh radicals. All the hell broke loose in the following 3 days. Thousands of Sikhs were butchered by congress-sponsored hooligans. Police remained mute spectators while truckloads of corpses were hauled away. What Delhi was in 1984 was Ahmedabad in 2002.
During those dark days, my temperament was fortunate enough not to understand those horrible things committed.
Indians have somehow learned the knack of overlooking the significance of the deaths of thousands of its peoples. Someone put it euphemistically as learning to live in the face of all odds. But the stark reality is that we let incidents like this happen all over again. The government has done a meticulous job of wiping all instances of its pogroms from its history textbooks. I am amazed that I did not come to know about all this for I was not a very bad student after all. It took two films ‘Kaya Taran’ and ‘Amu’ on this subject for the matter to come up any where near the top of the list of items in the news aggregator. I went around the net in a shameful gait looking for related articles. I found many. I saw them all. Agony of a bygone era screaming across the Internet. A truck load of bodies hauled away. A mongrel having its day out. An orphaned child looking into an uncertain future. Gurudwaras been vandalised. The Shame still lingers on: After the violence, all the gurudwaras decided to have a defense of a 10 feet high wall. This practice is continued till date. Protection from its own country and from its own countrymen. As Khuswant Singh said, to be a Sikh in Delhi during that time is akin to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. How can this horror be muted. If only the government showed this kind of diligence into less barbaric endeavours…..
It is more than obvious that the government encouraged this vandalism. They let the hooligans loose on to the streets of Delhi for 3 days and when the last of the Sikh community was wiped out, they called the army which immediately put the horror to rest. Had they done this simple and obvious thing 3 days before, so many lives could have been saved. Who knows probably we could have had another Khuswant Singh.
I did not specifically consider Rajiv Gandhi a scoundrel. But I am still coming in terms of the reality. For, this is what he said when he was asked about the violence against Sikhs in the days after Indira Gandhi’s death: “When a big tree falls, the earth trembles”.
One can only get misanthropic after going through all the horrors in its most mind-numbing details. Then there is Hope.
With the advent of the Internet the kind of ignorance engineered into people’s minds by the government is hard to sustain if not impossible. Where else can one get to the most democratic source of information?
If you are convinced that Internet is the elixir of democracy, then join me in a moment of adoration: For all its failings, God bless the Net.

I got my notebook!

2004-12-22T03:56:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
I have reached yet another milestone in this blogosphere by getting myself a laptop. It is almost like my hands are blessed with some more onces of agility. Well what to say, God bless Technology. Add to this I am going home at last for those beloved christmas holidays. I guess it will be a sort of triumphal return to my home. Me with the miracle machine.
Expect some accelerated Blogging activity.
P.S: And one more thing, People please read Ramasamy blog. He is totaly crazy about some romantic piece which he found out on the net.
He thinks it is tooooooo good.
I concur.

Iconoclasm in the air

2004-12-16T06:23:00.000-08:00

When I finished reading Ramasamy blog on 'Doing the thing you really love'. I felt I had to write something about this. The weight of my musings grew so much that I had to create nothing less than a post for it. The whole point is about the fundamental question that stars right in front of our face: Are we doing the one thing which we REALLY love to do? It is so simple yet so frustrating to realize that we, whom we claim to be successful in our lives are after all doing things that we really don't care a damn for.
Though, I consider myself a person who is not inspired by pessimism, the cynic in me, tells me the following argument:
True we are not doing the things we really care for. But that's a problem of with your schedule and not a problem of volition. Ok, I am a little cryptic here. What I meant was the kind of things which the article (in India Today) talked about: People living their lives with a delusion that they are successful and soon find themselves leave their career and go for that one thing they really love to do, aren't as liberating as they seem to be. For each person there are a few things which seem to be important. They are important because the person inexplicably loves doing them. It is only logical to say that you will be the most satisfied if you are doing that one thing. Those people afflicted with that obnoxious disease called we-are-different-syndrome (ironical that I have also put up the iconoclastic Apple Ad), blowing their war-trumpets for an all-out war against practicality, arouse everybody to quit their jobs and prove to the world that they are the masters of their own little niche. A simple problem arises here. When a person leaves his career and all his practicality behind to do what he loves to do, he must realize that the world cares very little about what this person considers a thing of beauty. And I predict it will be a unnecessarily frustrating experience for that person to prove to the world about the profundity of his work.
Consider a person who is a gifted painter. By definition, he like to paint. He has a amazing gift to express himself so eloquently with his brush. Even though painting a masterpiece standing all day in his studio is a burden on his ill-fed body, his soul gets its only source of artistic gratification from that very act. To me, I find it contradictory when this painter attempts to prove to the world that his painting is after all a masterpiece. Though it is a little heartless of me, theoretically, true to his art, I expect that he must not feel an ounce of pain when his paintings are rejected. He must be sensible enough to accept the fact that his audience is not as sensitive to those strokes of his brush as he is. If his paintings are accepted, then the painter can rest in the bliss (not elation) that the world has the maturity (or the insanity) to look at the world in the same frequency of the painter. More importantly the moment that painter, in his desperation to earn a living, attempts to do anything other than pleasing himself, like trying to appeal to the world, puts the final nail on the coffin of his beloved art. Indeed his art has suffered a sad and unnecessary demise.
This tells me only one thing, never try to sell your thing of joy to the world. According to me, the biggest disservice you can do to your art is by debasing it to a profession and making yourself dependent on it for your physical needs. As I always say, at least for now, Our professional lives feed our body while our intellectual lives feed our soul. (Man, I hate this cynicism)
Having said all of this, I cannot but envy at people like A.R.Rehman who are hopefully true to their art and still remains successful and accepted by the world. (the understatement of this century)
After all, there is still Hope in this world.

My beloved fellow-bloggers.

2004-12-01T02:40:00.000-08:00

I have company after all. Some of my friends have started to blog! Here is the list, for now:
http://arvitalks.blogspot.com/
http://fathimas.blogspot.com/
http://dparthi.blogspot.com/
http://ramsrules.blogspot.com/
http://prasannasv.blogspot.com/
Great going guys.
One more thing, I found that my blog is ranked the highest for the query A.J.Anto in MSN search. This is great. At last I have a footprint in the Internet.
I have to say that this blogging thing is very addictive. At least initially. When a person expresses himself in words, he paints a different picture than what he is percieved to be. This is true atleast for me. There are different ways we can express ourself. According to me, one of the life's most important task is to find out that medium of expression that is most suitable to oneself. People call this medium of expression as thier profession etc. Any profession or career when viewed fundamentally is just another way of expression. For me and for most of my software brethen, computer programs are our way of expressing themselves. I must say i felt so much liberation when i first found the software medium. For this I must profusely thank my college College of engineering, Guindy and my friends in college. The act of expressing yourself in a medium suitable to you is a act of cretive joy. Few of the media are as universal as verbal expression and writing. I have a huge reservation against verbal expression. Because, it simply doesn't give me time to contemplate before I speak. In this context, Writing wins hands down. What you write can be reviewed over and over till you are sure that you really mean what you write. This is writing's essential strength. I hope I will master this medium as much as I want to.

Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist"

2004-11-26T13:56:00.000-08:00

I bought this book when I was in Bangalore as my friend Partiban suggested me to read this. More than enough people are claiming that this book was really inspiring. So I wanted to see what this publishing phenomenon was all about. I bought the book and I could be over with it very soon. It is an allegory. At least that's what I believe it is. It is a story about a young boy finding his destiny. By telling his story, the author seems to suggest that each person in this earth has a destiny that he has to pursue. I really don't know about this destiny thing. So I cannot honorably counter-claim it. The one thing about this book which turns me off is the fact that the author has employed so many symbolism and mystism to convey whatever he wanted to say. I don't see any justification for this. This was even more evident to me as I have just finished the book "The monk who sold his Ferrari". Why should inspiration be only for the discerning?
The people the boy meets are full of meaning. It occasionally gets psychic. Like suggesting we listen to omens. Talk to wind. Commandeer Clouds. Stuff like that. The author does this occasionally. I fear he does this to overwhelm the readers that he is on a higher thinking plane. People claim that they get inspired by this book. I am afraid I cannot say so. It was certainly good to go through. Except for its mystical parts, it was extremly readable. At least going by the font size. But when it comes to inspiration, I don't know.
If some enlighened person really finds it inspiring, please let me know how.

Richard Bach’s "The Bridge Across Forever"

2004-11-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

I bought this autobiographical work in the airport when my flight got delayed. I thought I could finish this book in 2 days. I was wrong. This is a book whose contents must not be raced through. This is a book whose words must be relished till they last. It narrates the life history of the author Richard Bach at a certain point of time. The author promises us that “What’s written here happened in fact very nearly the way it’s turned out in print”. In fact most of his novels just do that. Describe his life at some point of time.
This book is simply about love and its emotional ramifications- intimacy, companionship, learning, complementing each other, etc. The reason I must say that I relished most parts of the book is because here is one author who has learnt to feel deeply, enjoy simply and most importantly be frank with himself. It describes how the author transformed himself from a dare-devil barnstormer who only cares about the next bout of adventure and who doesn’t believe in marriage to this vulnerable person who finds his soul mate and gets married. The book is about the author’s search for his soul mate. The journey begins with the author trying to find that perfect woman in his life. The journey leads us to some of the testy times of the author’s life. Along this journey he meets success, stardom, betrayal, near-disaster and then finally his soul mate. The book describes how the author fights his other self. The one who thinks all love is a farce and intimacy is the blonde you meet in the bar and forget the next day. The author for most part of the novel is doing what he does the best. Describes his feelings for and against the tethered existence of the loved. This is nothing but delightful.
He occasionally gets psychic and discusses paranormal things. This makes me doubt the author’s claim to veracity. But even those psychic narratives are linked mostly with love and hence share the beauty. The author has created beauty in those words.
He puts his new adventure called love to test and describes how his love comes out unscathed. The final chapters describes his life after his marriage and it is here where his love goes to loftier and more psychic peaks.
If you don't want to spoil the reading experience I suggest you don't go any further.
I felt so much empathy for the author that I checked out the rest of his story. I was in for a surprise. He had divorced his ‘soul-mate’. This was the soul mate he had found after such a tiring journey and about whom he claimed that he was destined to meet with. And there was this psychic thing. I guess this should not turn us off from the book as we as reader should learn to distinguish between the author’s work and his personal life. I guess we should judge (if at all) an author only by his work. The author should not be viewed as an epitome of the principles he is talking about. That epitome could be higher than the author himself. Hence going only by the work he has created, the least I can say is that the author has created beauty.

On Hyderabad, Jilebis and second-hand book stores

2004-11-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

It was Friday evening. I was wondering what I would be doing this weekend. Forget about the weekend. What should I do this evening? Couch in that easy chair in my Madhpur apartment and savour the last of Richard Bach’s The Bridge across forever. No, that’s what I have been doing almost everyday. I wanted more life. The only life I have been seeing these days consisted of my room mates and my office buddies. I was missing the watching-the-crowd-go-by-in-the-safety-of-a-window-seat-of-a-rickety-bus. I had done this innumerable times during my college days. So when I saw this bus called 127F plying between Kondapur and Koti as I was going back to my apartment from my office, I thought why shouldn’t I go for a merry ride in this bus. Koti, I was told by people was the vintage Hyderabad complete with the towering minarets of the mosques, vendors hawking handkerchiefs at the top of their voices, and road-side stalls selling anything from pav bhaji to biryani. And there is one more thing about Koti which immediately raises my fancy. It has the famous chain of second-hand book stores.
So as usual my fancier self won hands down and I did get into that rickety bus. It is a little exaggeration to call whatever I was traveling in as a bus. It is a sort of van designed ergonomically to cram as many people as possible. And luckily I got a window seat. Soon I was doing the watching-the-crowd-go-by-in-the-safety-of-a-window-seat-of-a-rickety-bus thing. The engine came to one sighing stop at Koti. As I got down the bus, I was looking for signs of the charming second-hand bookstores. There were lots of bookstores. But these were of a different kind. Tomes promising passers-by that they can crack the CAT, GRE, GMAT, Civil services, Army, Air force and what not. And these books in addition to their bold titles have their shopkeepers to market themselves. The shop keeper literally drags you to their shops had you dared to look at one of their books. Where is my R.K.Narayan, Sydney Sheldon, Louis L’Armour. ….
Soon I found the shops which sell fiction. The pleasure of selecting the books is all mine now. There is something truely romantic about reading a well-thumbed book. But selecting the book in that dinghy corner store is not that romantic at all. Second-hand book stores for all their charm cannot match the comfort of Landmark or Crosswords. I bought the following books:
1) Saint Him
2) The clan of something
3) The depths of glory
I had a light dinner in a decent hotel and found my way back to my apartment where Richard Bach awaited me patiently. I did the book the justice it deserved.

Naach - Celebrating Life.

2004-11-21T05:04:00.000-08:00

Naach – Celebration of Life.
When I decided to watch this movie, I had a lot of apprehensions on the quality of the movie. I for some reason of mine thought that this movie was a typical bollywood film replete with sex, action and mawkish sentimentality. I am compelled to say that I was wrong.
The story is about the relationship between two Bollywood wannabes – one a practical and likable Abhi (Abhishek Bachchan) and an idealistic and original Reva (Antara Mali). The film begins with the Reva sitting in a road-side platform unmindful about the traffic around her. Soon we find her dancing to a beautiful number “Awara Man Mein”. It was a visual treat to watch the heroine twine and stretch for her own artistic satiation oblivious to the world around her. Whatever the school of dance she adhered to, I loved it. I braced myself for one good movie to follow that opening number.
The protagonist, Reva is a very inventive dancer who dances for one thing – her own sake. She doesn’t care about what the world says and in that way alienates the film industry. She goes in and out without luck. Abhi befriends Reva and he becomes her dance student. Abhi is more practical and he is more considerate of the commercial maneuvers of the bollywood and soon ends up as a Bollywood hotshot. Then their relationship begins to wane. The rest of the story is about how they come together in an final act of reconciliation.
Antara Mali has done an amazing job. Not only is her choreography great so is her expression. Throughout the movie she has a look of an artist immersed in her own little world of ‘Naach’ unmindful of her world. She also has done a great job of expressing her vulnerability so beautifully.
Abhishek has also done a good job that fits his role, a young man wallowing in his own glory and who soon discovers that his success is nothing until he cares to redeem his true gift – his love.
The film showcases ‘Naach’ as a beautiful physical expression of the self. So it is not strange that this film has a lot of songs. Some of the songs could be watched forever. Most of the movements involve stretching the limbs to incredible lengths as if to signify that the person is trying to reach out to the infinite. It somehow appealed to me in spite of its obvious portrayal of the danseuse’s sexuality. The movements in the song “Rakth Ka Hai” also signified the fallibility and hopelessness of humanity. These movements portrayed the useless human struggle in this earthly life.
The film also has to its credit what I would call ‘a perfect kiss’. I leave the specifics to the reader. The love between Abhi and Reva is also portrayed so gently and profoundly. Caught in between their love is Reva’s artistic ego and Abhi’s professional superficiality.
The best credit I can give to the music is to say that it is as good as the film’s choreography. I am dying to hear the meaning of the songs.
The film raises a lot of fundamental questions in our lives. If I pose to myself "Is the work I am doing day-in and day-out satisfies me intellectually?", I would say a firm no. The reason is too obvious to be written down. If there is something which intellectually satiates me it is thinking, reading and writing. But I cannot claim that I can earn my living doing just that. This is exactly what happens to Reva when she is told by her director that her style is original and unique but can she assure him that her dance will appeal to the masses. She confesses ‘No’. In this case Reva is lucky to get a break to do it in her style and be successful at the same time. I can see that I am not that lucky. At least for now. ;-)
I guess, The way to go for us is to delay the gratification of doing the things we really love to the dark end of the day. For most of us, we the unlucky mortals, our professional lives feed our mouth and our real artistic lives feed our soul. It is our essential compromise we make everyday.
At the end of the movie, I only felt one thing. I am celebrating my own life.

A Visit to the Capital.

2004-11-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

Hi all, I have just returned from a short visit to the capital. I left Hyderabad on Wednesday evening. The flight got delayed so I was lounging about the airport looking at people. I tried to read Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice", but she really wore me down. She was exactly whom I shall call uninteresting. She talks about the lady's finery and the stupidity of the protagonist’s mother in the most mind-numbing detail. Can't believe people read this stuff. And can't believe that I had actually bought this book. After trying to read this thing, I finally decided to call it off. Enough is enough. I went over to a bookstore and soon I found myself drowned in the familiar ocean of literature. I could not help myself from buying Richard Bach's "The Bridge across forever". When I was asking that guy the price, I told myself "You are spending too much on books, Call it off, Call it off ". The idealist in me won and I was soon sitting in one of the chairs and was lost in the words. The flight finally arrived and the air-hostess gave me their run-out-of-assembly-line smiles artificially. I decided that I should enjoy my flight and put the book away. I didn't really care about the food. After all everybody knows that flight food sucks. Soon Hyderabad was a dazzling ocean of uncountable fireflies. It was breath-taking. You soon feel almost like God overlooking his creation. You also realize how fundamentally petite all humanity is. It was a cloudy night and we were above the clouds. The clouds were so near to us that you feel you could almost reach them by your hand. I felt like traveling in a strange vehicle hovering just above the cold sand dunes of an endless desert of the intangible. Delhi was misty and we landed at about 2 hours after take-off. As I was leaving the airport, my practical self came out, as I was greeted by some 200 waving placards. I was searching for my name to be in one of them. The trouble is that since my name has 5 words, I should be extremely wary. Any one word in my name in the placard say 'Henry' and It could be mine. I couldn't find my name at all. I decided to call my hotel who was supposed to send the cab to receive me in the airport. They have apparently been ditched by their software. I took my own cab and arrived at the dazzling hotel. It was filthy luxurious. I told myself that I did not deserve this. In fact, nor did anyone. I checked-in and I collapsed in my bed after been bombarded with pleasantries. "Sorry Sir". "Bear with us Sire". "Pardon-me Sir". "I hope this is comfortable." "How do you find this place"? "Good Night Sir." All executed to their stereotyped perfection. I slept soundly and I woke up at 9.30 in the morning. I had a breakfast straight out of the French boulangerie. Croisant, Gallant etc. After the breakfast, I immediately went to interview mode. You know the way your mind works when you are confronted with an interview. All the world is a distraction. The only thing that rings in your mind is your interview. I reached the American embassy and was ushered in. The interview went for some 3 minutes and I guess I got through. I came out triumphantly out of the consulate and began searching for my cab. I still had some 3 hours to spare before my flight takes off to Hyderabad. I decided I should see the city. The driver was a friendly Sardarji. He could not, for some funny reason of his, believe that there are actually Indians who don’t know Hindi. I was tempted to ask him if he knew Tamil (the Chennai dialect). For the sake of my own self, I didn’t. We first went to the Parliament House, the Rastrapati Bhavan and other places of constitutional significance. Then we went to The India Gate. It was all that I expected. Then we went to a place called ‘The Humayun Tomb’. This will turn out to be good. It was basically a tomb where they buried the who’s who of the Moghul Empire. This earned it the name ‘The dormitory of the Mughals’. As I approached the building, I was taken aback by the enormity of the structure. The monument was studded with some peculiar star-shaped symbol resembling the David’s star. This monument was one of the first pieces of Indian Architecture to be influenced directly by the Persian architecture, I learned. The walled-garden was very beautiful. As I sat in one of the benches in the park, I felt happier than the King who built the monument. The poet in me wanted to spend the rest of his lifetime sitting on that bench along with the many noisy squirrels, looking at the enormous monument before me and sing lamentations of the human fallibility. Reality beckoned me and I left for the Hotel to have my lunch. I had a good lunch and had my first bath in a Jacuzzi and began packing. As I began to check out of the hotel, I braced myself for some more mechanical pleasantries. I left the Delhi airport in one booming upward thrust.

An Escapade to Bangalore.

2004-11-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

The Escapade to Bangalore
It occurred to me suddenly. Almost invasively. I was having a long day finishing all my work. Then suddenly I got this mail from Naresh calling us all out to Bangalore. Seeing that mail exhorting us to break free, in my Outlook inbox in the midst of meeting minutes, my commitments email, my WAR approval mails and my code review mails was a thing of beauty. Like a tired seaman seeing a lush palm-lined shoreline.
I jumped on to the bandwagon. We, ‘Bunty’ Partiban, Naresh and ‘Enthu’ Vimal and me decided to go to Bangalore to see our friends who were working there. Working in Microsoft has nudged me to use as many acronymns as possible. Probably one other way by which people project themselves as a mystic lot. So when we were travelling in the Train, we ‘repro’ed a lot of Vadivel comedies. By the way, for you mortals outside Microsoft, Repro’ing is reproducing something of interest a bug or a crash say. (you know, well, it happens.) In this case we were trying to repro the comedy for our own sake. We laughed all the way to Bangalore. The morning saw us in Bangalore. Our friends were there prompty in the station to receive us. ‘Palam’ Murugu, ‘Bhaghu’ Prasana, Prasanna ‘kutty’ were ther to receive us. We went to their house. Palam shares his appartment with Hemanth(ji), Chikki (I couldn’t get my hands on this pakki, He left to chennai at the same time I came to his appartment), Kannan (Nobody knows where he is), ‘PSY’ ASai, ‘Thala’ Shyam etc. I hope that the et cetra is useless there. That appartment is not intrinsically bad, but if you convert your hall into a place you throw your footwear, well, you cannot expect much. But it was were our friends were there and that’s all matters. After a wholesome bath, we settled to talk about everything. Oh, what a let out it was. The Trilogians were like, well, trilogians and they were looking as if they had trekked the Grand Canyon and were asked to fight fire in an oil well in Iraq and then been told to write a program which should take exactly O(n) for finding the SSN of the guy who ran the program.
Gokri, ‘the Pokri’ came from IIM, Ahmedabad and was sharing his set of experiences. In the evening, we went to Forum and gosh what a place it was. Full of people. I mean real people. I couldn’t take them all at once. Whoa. We went to the Apple Center. Inside displayed were the latest and coolest stuff from Apple. It seems that Apple has copyrighted the word ‘cool’. It was real cool. The music from iTunes, man hearing ‘Hotel California’ from the iPod was the ultimate technologically sensual experience. I would never forgive Microsoft for missing out on Digital Music. I am sure it wouldn’t forgive itself after all.
I bought some books from Landmark:
1) The Da Vinci Code. A sci-fiction with some historical non-fiction. An assured page turner.
2) The Road less travelled. Psychology pour homme. My all time favorite. I presurred at least 3 guys to buy this one.
3) The Inscrutable Americans. A light hearted comedy.
4) The Walking Drum. A 10th century travellogue of a sea pirate.
5) The Alchemist. A Novel about Dreams. I am about to finish this one.

We went to some hotel and had our dinner. I chose a very conventional dish. Sai decided to have something funny. And if I remember right, we were all suspicious of the fact that those cooks poured beer on his schewan fried rice. It was a terribble stink. I still don’t know how ASai finished his plate. Maybe he hit his home turf. ;-)
We went back to the appartment and saw the climax of ‘Gladiator’ and then saw one another and then I coaxed myself to a well deserved sleep next to ‘kutty’ Prasanna. It was as if we were back in our college days and were sleeping in our dingy hostel rooms again.
The next day we had the third Prasanna of our class coming to our appartment. I had a very fruitful discussion with S.Prasanna about this whole thing about Open source software. We all knew that we were standing at a profound moment in the history of computation. We could only wait for the things to unfold. I for one felt very uncomfortable about getting a free industry standard Operating system for free. I don’t want to talk about this here. That’ll be another write-up if you care enough.
We then went to Lalbagh gardens and lazily roamed the place. It was then that I remembered that I forgot that I had not told my home that I was going to Bangalore. But it was too late cos’ already a spam of telephone calls has spread the place and Bhaghu himself got a call from someone saying that my mom was trying to reach me. I called up my mom and told her that I was safe in Bangalore. As usual she called up Raghuram’s mother first.

In the terrace of Prasanna Srini's Appartment.

In some hotel in Bangalore.

Yipee! It is Saturday night!

In Murr's Appartment.

I took this photo. (Thats why i am not there :-()

What’s it about Bhaghu? Animal Magnetism? Everybody likes him. ;-)

I took this one. (I bet this is the best). Must say Bangalore is green. Everybody. (Except the A.Prasanna who was last seen complaining that his project got shifted back to Chennai.

We then went to Bhaghu’s place in Hossur. So in this weekend I have been in 3 states. I had a great lunch at Bhaghu’s place. The food was of the authentic Tamil type complete with ‘Appalam’ and pickle. I was having some real home made food after some real length of time. I couldn’t resist telling bhaghu’s mother that her food was the second best I have ever had. Second only to my mom’s food of course. As we were leaving the place we got some sweets (What do you call it) from a roadside vendor. We then returned back to Bangalore and went to Prasanna’s house. It was here that ‘mongy’ GokulNathBabu, DSPraveen, and both the prasannas was living. We were again talking about the companies we had come to work for. After sometime we thought it was a good idea to start packing our bags and get going to catch the bus back to Hyderabad. Before that we went to Trilogy office and had a game of TT. Finally, it was time to say goodbye to our friends. After wainting a lot of time at the bus stand, finally our bus came and I slept the most part of the journey to brace up for the Monday bug bash at my office.
I hope the next time I will spend a weekend in 3 different states it will be in Goa, Kashmir and Assam.
And so where were we? Does the DHCP server crash when the admin right clicks on the scope and hogs the bandwidth for 30 mi…………..

This Open-source thing.

2004-11-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

A case for Commercial Software:
As I was reading the latest buzz in my class groug-emails about the 'hottest' browser of our times 'Firefox' and i can't stop myself from expressing what i think about this. Remember what i am expressing here are my own questions. Questions which trouble me because i don't know thier answers and also because the answer fundamentally affects many of us. Please don't think that i am posting this article because i am the last standing knight of my company Microsoft. I am not here to protect the commercial interests of anyone. I am here to clarify my own mindspace. And i want to tap the Internet for this cause.
Before anyone thinks he is an open-source advocate, please read this article http://www.firstmonday.dk/issues/issue3_3/raymond/ which talks eloquently about how the open-source 'bazaar' model is better than the closed 'Cathedral' model. This article talks about how the bazaar model is procedurally better than the closed on. At every point the claim is substantiated by the experience of the Author's pet project and all of them are technical in nature. What concerns me is that not a single word was written about the commercial viablity of the open-source source model.
I recall one of my friend telling everyone in the group that he was so amazed by the quality of the browser that he is contemplating on helping the foundation by buying a T-Shirt. Well, I am not blaming his gratitude but what disturbs me is that software is being left to the mercy of the gratitude of its users. Right now, a revolution is happening right before our eyes. Thorughout the history of mankind, every activity was driven by simple economics. Every activity was driven by simply money. If there is one thing humans have discovered unconsciously over ages, it is the simple harmony of trade. The undeniable fact is that Trade works. Because of this every human activity is irrevocably linked with money. Then there is Software. Now Software is given away free. Not only is the product given away free so is the code. This is akin to spending hours and dollars into a research project and throwing the results in the air. The irony is that I don't know whether this is good, bad or simply inevitable. When you strip a commodity of its commercial value, the people associated with that trade will become redundant. Or better put, these people will be put to the mercy of the gratitude of the users. I don't know of any industry which has put itself to this and I don't know whether Software industry is to take honor or blame. Right now, it is the browser, the operating system, editors etc. These are the generic products which are used alike by everyone. Some people say that this grade of software which adds no value to a particular user specfically cannot honorably make a claim to trade. According to these people, the fact that these are one-product-designed-to-fit-all makes them unmarketable. I beg to differ. I think in a very absolute sense of the word utility. I believe that the reason why a product deserves money is simply because of the value it adds to its users.
My whole point is that if open-source software is so good, then what about the open-source programmers. I cannot but agree with the claim that technically speaking, the open-source development process is hard to beat. Bugs are discovered and are removed soon. There is quality because there is constant scrutiny. But it is missing one necessary condition that is required by every self-sustaining process. What about money, dude? My two-cents. Any ideas?

2004-10-31T02:33:00.000-08:00

Scanned me

2004-10-31T02:22:00.000-08:00

Scanned me

Hello World

2004-10-31T02:11:00.000-08:00

Hello World, This is my first post on a non-official blog site. I want to discuss about everything that goes through my mind. (Not that, you dirty mind) Let me introduce myself. I am A.J.Anto. I work for Microsoft India Development Center. I did my B.E. computer science and engineering from College of engineering, Guindy 'popularly' known as Anna University. I like to raise a lot of fundamental questions. I like philosophical discussions. I am also sometimes highly opinionated. My homepage which is at http://www.geocities.com/anto_rocks talks a lot (i think a little too much) about my credo. I don't want to talk anything about my career in this space. Keep watching this space.