Thursday, April 22, 2010

REPOST: This American Life


This American Life

It is not always that i am proud to be under my skin. Right now, as my life unwraps, I feel like i am living my dream. It is a dream that i had nourished in my heart for so long. And now it has finally come to a pass. I will be leaving the US in a few hours and will be returning back to India where i plan to volunteer full-time for Isha Foundation

When i came to the US almost two years ago, a part of me acknowledged the limitations within which i choose to confine myself. i.e. Continuing a career which really did not make much sense to me. Nevertheless, when i landed here in Seattle, it was my dream that Isha should blossom in this corner of America. I could still remember when my flight from Chennai landed in Seattle, i was having a vision of Sadhguru conducting a class in a packed Safeco field. Visualizing the hard-ball players of Microsoft getting floored by the Class. It is ironically humbling to see almost all of this materialize. Looking at all that has happened in these last 2 years, strangely i feel empty. Definitely it was a very worthwhile experience being a part of something so big here, but my eyes are always looking ahead. In one of the several farewell gatherings that was organized, i admitted that i am indeed very lucky to have found something that just makes so much sense that i am willing to let it take over my life.

So there came a point when i had accomplished my financial goals and there seemed to be no more reason to continue to work 8 hours a day in something that really didn't mean the darnest thing to me. One-by-one things around me fell into thier places in the most miraculous way. I wrote a letter to Sadhguru. Later, when i met him when he came to Seattle, he asked me to come.

So thats how i woke from my American dream. And boy, did i love this American life. It was splendid. The moutains, the glaciers, the rivers, the streams, the flowers, the fall foliage, the volcanos, the work ethic, the roads, my car, my JBL speakers in my car. Yes I will miss them. I will miss doing a thigh burning 8-mile jaunt to the Granite moutain lookout with Raghu and Pala. I will miss cruising around in my car with heart pounding music thumping the glass windows of my car. I will miss the brooding Seattle winter.I will miss the exuberant Spring with all its flowery explosions. I will miss all this. It is so strange how quickly a place can become a part of yourself. As i watch the town of Redmond go by while returning from the last of the dinners tonight, i realized that i might not see this parallel universe again. This clean, tidy, predictable, comforting macrocosm. As i get seduced by these emotions, there is a ruthless part of me which makes me see the fallacy in these notions. Not just a fallacy but a obscenity in all this drama. Maybe i am too sure of myself. That explains why i had given a free rein to myself as i stampede on these emotions and memories. 
(I have to make an apology to anyone who felt being stepped over by this stampede. My intention is not to trample upon anyone. Just myself for now)

And to my family:
Don't believe for a single instant that i am unaware of the pain that i am causing you. I realize that i have been an utter disappointment and an shameful embarrasment as a son and as a brother. By now you know my intentions and we mutuallly see the futility in coming to a closure about my decision. All i can say is i hope that someday you understand me and the circumstances that lead to my decision. And i am arrogant and stubborn enough to hope that one day you will taste the possiblity that i have tasted. People have been asking very pointed questions on why i am abandoning you to pursue my own dreams. The only thing i can say about that is i know the only way i will be settled is if i do what i care about. If i end up doing anything else, i have no doubts that i will be a failure to myself. And that to me is enough reason to do what i want to do. I acknowledge that your sadness and your anger at my decision comes from a certain sense of belonging to me and i respect that. And in that sense, i implore you to please let me do what i want to do.

About my future, i have no idea how things will turn out. In fact i don't even know how long i can last in the ashram. The way i look at is: "An experiment with Truth". The question is how long can i survive the truth bugger. 


Anbu said...
Humbling to read! Wish u all the strength u need for the experiential experiment.
6:53 AM
Deepak said...
All the very best Anto!! This was always coming for you wasn't it? The only question was WHEN - and here it is now! Well, if there is any dream that is worth pursuing, it is the dream of ending all dreams - and very few people have the courage to do it. I will look back at you and folks like you as inspiration when I come to the cross roads (end of the road?) And yes, for your sake, I hope your parents at least come to peace with your decision if not what you're hoping for.
8:20 AM
Priyanka said...
Hope it works out for you... my best wishes!
12:36 AM
Espan said...
For whatever reason I feel incredibly angry on u... I have known for sometime now this kinda decision comes outta an experience that I haven't undergone. Yet, I couldn't suppress the feeling that you are a shade too selfish when you make this decision. End of the day it is ur life but it amazes me that u have the nerve to ask ur family to accept this. It might be in their karma to undergo this but I just don't believe even for one moment that they will be happy with what u r doing:) Anyways... as your friend.. I am obliged to wish you best in whatever path u choose. Hope to meet u sometime :)!
7:55 AM
Anupama said...
Anto, wish you a very Happy Life at IYC. :-) Truly humbling to read this.
5:45 AM
Prasanna said...
Anto, What a superb decision! I am proud to have known you :) All the very best!
10:35 AM
Aditya Nishtala said...
It is so wonderful to hear this from you...and it makes it even more special because I knew you from day 1 in the first Isha Yoga Program which we did it together(What a porgram that was!!!)....from then on we did all the programs at the same time.... I know that whoever is touched by his grace wud anyway go to him...and I am happy that it is u r time against all the loving attention and concern of your parents not knowing that one day even they would be touched by him. Cheers Aditya Nishtala.
12:25 AM

1 comment:

As I like it said...