Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Blues

Christmas Blues

"The Jingle bells are jingling The streets are white with snow
The happy crowds are mingling But there's no one that I know

I'm sure that you'll forgive me If I don't enthuze
I guess I've got the Christmas blues

I've done my window shopping There's not a store I've missed
But what's the use of stopping when there's no one on your list

You know the way I'm feeling when you love and you lose
I guess I got the Christmas Blues.

When somebody wants you When somebody needs you
Christmas is a joy of joys
But oh when you're lonely You'll find that its only
A thing for little girls, and boys

May all your days be merry Your season full of cheer
But til its January I'll just go and disappear

Santa might have brought you some stars for your shoes
But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packages tinselled covered
Christmas blues"

Till now my blog has always been a place where I could express my most exuberant experiences...But this particular post will be a first of its kind. Sadhguru's program in Delhi was an amazing blowout. Being with the volunteers and throwing myself into the activity with such blatant abandon was so great! I am so longing to start taking Inner Engineering classes again. I miss the silence which comes with standing on my tired legs for 9 hours a day. But this post is not about that. This post is because suddenly i feel a need to express my sense of sadness. There could a variety of reasons to which i can attribute my sadness. Christmas is always a tough time for me after relocating to the ashram. I hate to admit it but I love Christmas time. My childhood memories are full of Christmas carols visiting our houses, Christmas trees, the sudden crispness in the Chennai air, being in close contact with family even if i am constantly bickering about how boring the sermon was. So like a sudden bolt of the blue sky, pangs of melancholy hit me. I am somewhere so far away from home..(well what is home you might ask...??)I have barely talked to my parents and each of my conversations have always ended with me disconnecting the call in mid-sentence. So today after so much cajoling, i finally called my family to wish them Merry Christmas and after the usual torrent of pleas/threats etc, finally I told my mother that i am tired of having a relationship over phone. Either they accept me for who i am or just stop calling me. I told them that the biggest disgrace to a human being is having people constantly telling him that he/she might have done something totally wrong. My mother said of course i accept you and then she started crying. I asked her if you accept me why are you crying. She said and i quote: "Can't a mother cry to her son". Such cliched one-liners straight from tamil family-drama movies would not have got me. But with the electricity in the air, me being alone in a new city and of course my struggle to grow, suddenly i too started crying. This vulnerability shocked me. But it is a remainder of just how many things within me are beyond me...
Anyways thanks for reading. That's exactly what i needed a shoulder to lean on and time to move on...

7 comments:

ME said...

Whatever I say to console you, you will know it already. So here I am. Just listening. Friend.
Merry Christmas!

Na said...

Dearest Antho,hugs wherever you are and Merry christmass. I totally relate to what you're saying :) I just had the blues tooo, even being in the midst of my family after so long, a tremendous vulnerability overwhelmed me for the past few days, so much love, yet so much sensitivity and a sadness for where my dear ones are and their ignorance of the glaring truth and refusal to grow.

Rams said...

Anto kannaa :-)

I just wish I could be by your side, to lend the shoulder, physically... Take care da... Take care...

Rasam said...

I had a little knot in my throat and realized I had to swallow it, Anto! Hang in there... Take care.

Radha said...

I want to say something,but don't know what to say! Just want to let you know that you are not alone in this journey.

Radha said...

I want to say something,but don't know what to say! Just want to let you know that you are not alone in this journey.

Gokul S said...

நல்லது தீயது நாமறியோம்
நாமறியோம் நாமறியோம்
நின்னைச் சரணடைந்தேன்! - கண்ணம்மா!

"Neither Good nor evil can we make out; we surrender to Thee."

Mahakavi Bharathiar

Best regards da Anto...